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In the hustle and bustle of the Holidays, it’s always nice coming across gift ideas for both the ladies and gentlemen in your life because they save time AND they tend to be pretty cool gifts…. that most likely, at some point, you’ll want yourself.
Take a look at this gender neutral holiday gift guide.
For The Techie You Love And Treasure
Other than love and health, at the top of practically everyone’s Christmas list are Apple products. So let’s start with those gift recommendations, which this year happen to have a great line of products.
One of my favorite items of ALL time… like ALL TIME … is Apple TV. It’s SUCH a great product and it keeps on getting better and better. And every release there has been has been totally worth it. Especially the newest release in which the remote allows you to swipe and easily find what you’ve been craving to watch.
Every TV in your home needs an AppleTV.
Man! If nobody gets me another AppleTV (which they probably won’t since we already have two)… I’m going to upgrade to the new one for my birthday. Why? It’s the kind of gift you just want to give yourself.
I watch very little TV, but when I do, I like it to be efficient. Think of it this way, the new Apple TVs that come out are like new versions of the iPhone. You don’t HAVE to get the latest one as soon at it’s released, but it’s eventually a good idea to upgrade.
But, it’s possible that you have someone in your life that wants an Apple Smart Watch. More power to them. But either choice is useful for keeping track of your health and increasing your productivity.
How do I say this? This scanner… which is one of the neatest, most durable and most highly rated AND loved scanners on the market is one of those things that isn’t sexy… as a gift (unless you totally geek out on technology)… but man, it’s SUCH a Godsent.
If you know of someone who has lots of paper, someone who has lots of photos, someone who has lots of clippings, someone who is in transition to largely reducing their paper records… this is just the thing! It’s useful for the entrepreneur in your life, the professional in your life, the memory keeper in your life or you, if you would like to get a grip on your paper situation once and for all.
Look, if you have stacks upon stacks of photos that you were thinking about manually scanning… listen to me… this is the ScanSnap. Why? Because it scans in a snap… one after the other. You put the file of photos in the machine (no matter what their size is)… and swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.
It’s an ideal gift for a family your love or your family, if you love them. ?
It’s one of those things that will make you wonder how you lived without it.
If this is not one of the coolest tech gadgets, I really don’t know what is. Like, really! Look at this thing!!! It’s genius, it’s sleek, it’s affordable and it’s bound to be a super crowd pleaser. Not only for the recipient, but for their family as well. ?
Here are just some of the features:
It protects against over-heating
It works with iOS and Android phones and tablets… so no issues there. 🙂
It’s an anti-scratch cradle
Comes in crowd-pleasing colors
Recognizes the connected devices and delivers the safest and most efficient charge.
If you know of a sophisticated, intelligent person who LOVES to read, this E-reader is precisely what they would appreciate and tell you merci for.
While, yes, it’s true that there are many less expensive Kindles on Amazon, this one, my friend is ergonomic. It has a bezel that makes it a joy to read. The controls are easily accessible on the right hand side (or if you’re a leftie and prefer to read your book with your left hand, you can have your controls be on the left-hand side. Genius!). It’s super light… in fact it’s the thinnest and lightest Kindle ever. This makes it easy to take anywhere. AND you can read without ever having to recharge your phone for months.
It’s lighter than a paperback.
It reads like a book, so you don’t have to deal with glare while reading out in broad daylight. AND you can adjust the light to comfortably read in the dark.
It’s easy to export notes as a simple file or as a PDF to your email.
It doesn’t distract you with the web, social media, email or text messages.
You can build your vocabulary by reading a definition that populates on a word you don’t know and quizzing yourself on these words later.
You can connect to the Goodreads Community and share, well, your good reads. ?
You can borrow books from your public library. Isn’t that great? It was one of my favorite new discoveries last year.
You can buy a Wi-Fi version or a Wi-Fi + 3 G version.
You can email yourself personal documents to read them on here.
This Kindle holds thousands of books… it’s your personal library in the palm of your hand.
The purpose of this Kindle isn’t to spend more time browsing the internet. It’s to read. It has great parental controls, so this could be a good gift for a pre-teen or teen.
If money is not an issue for you… you might want to gift a classic… that looks like a classic. It’s probably the most elegant Smart TV you’ve seen for a while. IT’s bezel looks like a frame… and it even has a stand that makes it seem like you have a fancy piece of art in your home. And since it’s smart, it has apps, a full web-browser, Bluetooth and Wi-Fi. I love the juxtaposition of modern and artsy. Investment? $1,500 at www.samsung.com Even if you don’t buy it, you gotta check it out.
Ever since I attended World Domination Summit (WDS) last year, I have been obsessed with my ChicoBag! Like obsessed! It’s so light… so versatile… that I was over the moon happy when I discovered that my Boppy Travel Pillow fits perfectly in here. I use this ChicoBag practically every time my family and I have an outing.
And if you give this to someone, they will most likely be super happy to have a light bag that they can toss their odds and ends in when they go out or even when they travel. It’s SUCH a cool gift. And I’m telling you this from experience… given that this was my favorite swag item I received at WDS. (Shout out to the organizer, the amazing Chris Guillebeau).
The Chico Bag is eco-friendly since it can make you think twice about using plastic bags for a small shopping trip AND the ChicoBag is made out of recycled plastic bottles. Isn’t that cool?
It comes in its own plastic pouch to be at the ready when you need it. And you will. So get one for you and one for your gift recipient.
Do you know of someone who sometimes gets a bit of paranoia on the plane when they want to sleep for a few minutes but fear their glasses, phone and passport may fall or may get stolen or left behind? Well they have to fear no more because this memory foam neck pillow has pockets (both zippered and open) that will allow them to store their valuables and literally keep them close to their heart. They can also use this on roadtrips. And if they want to get really comfy in movie theaters… they can wear that there as well.
Do you travel with your phone chargers and wired earbuds? Or do you like having them in your purse to juice up while you’re out and about… here are the travel cord rolls. They’re $20.00 and you could get an additional 20% off with code ORPAH at broukandco.com
Now that we’re on the travel theme… imagine your gift recipient not going over their suitcase weight limit. OR having a charging station built-into their suitcase? You know, like to charge their phone, their iPad and stuff. I think that just this last feature is enough to protect the beegeezus out of this suitcase. They will probably want the A22 carry-on size, just so that nobody touches it or messes with it. The A22 Carry is $295.00. The A28 Check (the check-in size) is $395.00 and the Carry-on and check-in set are $595.00 www.raden.com
As someone who has gifted luggage to my loved ones before, you can rest assured that for the traveler, gifting them luggage is so appreciated. AND, they will be sure to remember you no matter where they go.
It has location tracking, 4 silent spinner wheels, water-proof zippers and an integrated TSA lock.
The colors on these luggage pieces are just yummy! And the shine on them? Sleek.
Water-Proof Phone Bags
These little gadgets protect your phone from sand, water, and snow when you travel. But they can also protect your phone from grime, cooking ingredients or regular wear and tear on any given day. Plus, they provide a hands-free way to have your phone by you.
In my last post, I recommended some gender-neutral cases. Here they are again in case you missed them:
This is a universal waterproof case that holds your phone, ID, credit cards and keys and protects them from getting damaged (or lost) in water, snow, dirt, water sports or a chill-out day at the beach. It’s made of a transparent, environment friendly and non-toxic food-grade PVC screen. Wow! That was a mouthful. And in the unlikely event that you drop your case into water… guess what? This bag floats. Isn’t that something?!
Since the film on this pouch is both thin and clear, you can use your phone like you normally would AND you can take photos and videos. And… I know what you’re probably NOT even thinking about since you’re so focused on what this little pouch can already do for you, and that is… that with this pouch…. guess what? You can take photos underwater.
Now isn’t THAT something?
What phones can enjoy such protection… those that are up to 6 inches.
This waterproof case can accommodate smartphones up to 6 inches… measured diagonally. This life-saver has a cutesy little lock to keep water, dirt, dust and sand out. With this neck strap, you’ll be sure to have your device close to your heart and safe and sound. It’s waterproof up to 100 feet. And, don’t worry, you can still maintain full touchscreen functionality, even while you’re protecting it. AND since it’s clear plastic in front of and behind your phone you can take pictures, as well. And you can carry money and credit cards. You have several fun colors to choose from.
If you have a movie lover in your life (and who doesn’t?), a popcorn machine might just be the perfect gift. ORRR how about a Netflix lover? Yep, we all have one of those in our life (or (cough, cough) maybe it’s us).
They can pop their popcorn not in the microwave or even your stovetop, but with air. Yep, you heard that right, AIR!
They can then add as much or as little butter or oil as they’d like and season it to their taste. But then again, if you manage to make something delicious without oil, why add the oil. But if you musttttt add oil… I highly recommend coconut oil. YUM! It’s divine!
You know how there’s many more salt types than you ever knew existed?
Well, the same thing happens to be the case for popcorn. There are many varieties that come in all sorts of colors.
You can gift someone in your life the opportunity to try 3 colors… purple, blue and red of this gourmet popcorn.
You can buy this gift on it’s own or accompany it with one of the popcorn makers above. It’s perfect for the person who loves watching movies at home or sneaking in some popcorn from homes to the movie theaters.
If you have an ice-cream lover in your life… I’m sure they’ll want scoops larger than what a melon-baller would do. So this extra-large Jenaluca Ice Cream Scoop may be just what they were needing for their craving.
And you may be thinking… would an ice-cream scoop make a nice Christmas gift? Well, if it’s this nice of an ice-cream scoop, the answer is yes. They come nicely packaged in a gift box. And these ice-cream sets actually have hundreds of 5 star reviews.
I get it, ice cream is great. But the best thing you can do with great icecream is to actually enjoy it. Every. Last. Drop. Of. It. So, what better than to encourage your loved ones to do the same with these ice-cream spoons designed to scrape the very last drop of ice-cream. They’re divine, aren’t they?
For The Person Who WantsTo Be In The Kitchen Or Has To Be In The Kitchen That You Love And Treasure
Also for the health nut in your life, you can gift them this food scale that is able to determine the nutritional value of what you’re about to eat. It works with an app that helps you track your food consumption and meals. You can get it for $60.00 with an additional 20% off with code OPRAH at www.kitcheniq.com . Or you can just get it on Amazon with your Prime Shipping, hopefully.
If you have a suspicion that anybody that you know will want to keep a tight grip on eating healthy throughout the year, not just on January 2nd… then this sorbet maker will probably be for them. You’ll be surprised how satisfying banana all of a sudden becomes as it transforms into soft-serve-like dessert… just by being its sweet and cream self.
This year I’ve made a couple of variations of coconut icecream… and have made banana sorbet… and let me tell you.. ice-cream can lose much of it’s glamour once you have the peace of mind of eating something delicious and nutritious.
www.yonanas.com It’s $130.00 but with code Oprah it’s yours for $89.00 or you can buy on Amazon at regular price. Why would you buy it at regular price? Because, it’s out of stock on its site and you have to get on the waiting list to get it.
This might just be the last citrus/lemon press that your loved one ever needs.
And for those of you who have citrus press shame like I do… because those mighty lemons tend to erode the paint of less luxurious manual presses…. this might be coming to a kitchen near you, if you make the choice to upgrade.
One gift that isn’t by any means luxurious, but just super handy… both literally and figuratively is the Chef Remi Jar Opener. Why? Because it allows young ones, old ones and anybody in-between to open jars and bottles more effortlessly. At the time of writing, almost 1,000 people have given this simple, but helpful tool a 4 1/2 star rating.
Perhaps you’ll decide not to give this to anyone for fear that they think you’re cheap. Although you could add it to a couple of boxes of pasta, pasta sauce, pasta season, but it in a basket and call it a complete gift.
But what you have to make a mental note for sure on, is if you’re tired of losing or tearing those wimpy jar opener grips… then you can bring a teeny-tiny bit of peace into your life by gifting one of these for yourself.
You won’t get mad that you can’t open the darn jar, that nobody’s around to help you, that you can’t find the wimpy jar opener grip, that it’s tearing and that you’re not as strong as you should be. It’s a win-win-win for your self-concept, your sanity and your marriage. Less grunting, more enjoying.
Oh! And did I mention these lovely save-your-life jar openers have a lifetime guarantee? Well, guess what? They DO! Bye-bye to the wimpy good-for-almost-nothing jar opener grips.
They’re dishwasher safe.
And, perhaps their best feature is that they provide 10x more leverage. What product have you bought recently or ever that provides this much leverage? Not many, I’m sure.
So what seemed like a cheap jar opener, all of a sudden is much more than that.
If you have gardener in your family or someone who is very eco-conscious (aka a tree-hugger, which by the way, there is nothing wrong with) then this gift might just be the thing that they didn’t know they needed or wanted till they saw it. And if they’re a foodie to top it all, then they’ll just adore the quirky compost bin.
Despite the fact that it looks small, this been can hold eggshells from a dozen eggs. That’s neat… literally! (And nope, I didn’t know that eggshells could be recycled, either).
Do you Have a Health nut in your family? Or do you want to try out your green thumb? You can buy organic grow kits for $17-$19 on the site www.urban-agriculture.net or for a few more dollars on Amazon, and you get organic seeds, organic soil and a container made of 100% recycled tea bags. And you can cultivate cilantro, cucumber, tomato, lettuce or rosemary.
You can grow these kits indoors. Year round. ? I know.
So, essentially, you don’t need a garden to cultivate these items. Just a little TCL.
For The Person Who Has It All That You Love And Treasure
The holidays are in large part about thinking about who the people we appreciate in our life are and delighting them with our thoughtfulness.
It’s about the big things and it’s about the little things. Speaking of little things… do you know who the straw lover in your life is?
Wouldn’t it be awesome if you did, because THEN, you could surprise them with their very own set of glass straws. Yep, glass…. as in that breakable thing.
But, instead of worrying about the straws breaking focus on two important things:
1) That they’re eco-friendly… because you’re not using straws and disposing of them.
2) That they’re allow you to consume using less plastic…. given that you know that plastic can leak chemicals into your body.
If you really want to impress the straw lover in your life focus on what they love to drink using straws. Is it water? Or is it smoothies? Or is it boba tea? (If you haven’t had boba tea Google it in your area and check it out… it’s a thing to check off your to-do list).
And, does the straw-lover in your life like their straws straight or slightly bent?
I’m telling you, shopping for straws is a feat in and of itself! But the reason this is useful information to know is because they sell different types of straws that are shaped and are wide or slim enough for these purposes. For example, if you’re just drinking water, a straw with a regular diameter opening would be just fine. But if they want to drink tapioca pearls out of them, then a larger diameter would be better.
Oh… and if you can’t figure out who loves straws yet…. guess what? This gift is a gift for the people in your life who have everything. Because think about it… what are the odds that they’ll have glass straws? Not high.
AND you could even gift a couple or a family these straws because you can find that they can be color-coded.
There’s something about words, or even individual letters that makes things more personal. You’re probably so used to seeing initials on everything from signs, to mugs, to towels, that you’ve forgotten that customizing something and putting it on display is one of the greatest delights you can have… and it’s one of the most thoughtful gift you can give.
This lightbox is battery operated and it includes letters and emojis. You can put this in the kids’ bedroom or in the dining room announcing what’s for dinner (as if you had time to prepare dinner and put up a sign, right ? )?
For The Person You Love and Treasure Who Likes To Have A Little Bit of Fun
For the game lover in your life, you COULD get a traditional game right off any shelf. OR you could get:
(This email contains affiliate links. Purchasing these holiday gift recommendations using these links will support this me and this site without costing you anything extra. Thank you for your support.)
This Christmas is a Christmas in which that special lady in your life needs a little more love and care than usual.
It was a tough year.
She’s tough. She’s amazing.
She deserves the best.
She deserves your love, your recognition and honor.
But let me warn you. Perhaps your lady prefers that you spend quality time with her in addition to giving her a gift. Or that you say or write a beautiful message to go along with it. Or that you do something nice for her like giving her a much needed break. Or that you hug her, kiss her and squeeze her more throughout this holiday season.
If you’re reading these suggestions and have nooooo idea what your lady would like the most…. because after all, you gotta focus on what SHE would like to receive, not on what you would like to receive, check out The 5 Love Languages.
Why? Because gift-giving is a language. And you have to make sure that you communicate thoughtfulness, consideration and a genuine interest in trying to please the other person.
I start by saying this because, think about it, the lines for returning items don’t get gigantically long starting December 25th because people have been truly tuning into what we want, but rather, because they haven’t. And truth be told, maybe neither have we.
So having said this, here are some ideas that can most likely brighten her day… not only on Christmas Day, but throughout the year.
We ladies love our technology. We really do! Some of us may say we’re not tech inclined, but as you’ll see, these gifts prove otherwise.
Are you wanting to breastfeed but are telling yourself what is probably the number one excuse we ALL use, (that I really shouldn’t have to tell you because you know it already) which is, “I don’t have time” to breastfeed.
When it comes to breastfeeding, “I don’t have time,” can mean three things.
It can mean that:
1) There so many doubts and hangups that you have about breastfeeding that you FEEL like you don’t have the time to figure out how to breastfeed, why to breastfeed, when to breastfeed, how often to breastfeed and everything else that breastfeeding entails. And don’t worry, I totally get it that that’s a lot of information.
2) You are a busy person and literally don’t know when you’ll be able to squeeze in the time to breastfeed.
3) You’re just using the phrase as an excuse.
So Now That You Know What’s Holding You Back In Your Breastfeeding, What Are You Gonna Do About It?
The good news is that when you use the “I don’t have time” excuse for any of the reasons mentioned above, you can actually test these the reasons/excuses by asking yourself a simple question that author of The Work, Byron Katie asks and that is “Is it true?” If you say yes, then you ask yourself her second question, which is, “Can you be absolutely know that it’s true?” Or you can take my shortcut and just ask yourself.. “Is that really true?”
Women, in general, seem to like comparing themselves to other women. I don’t know if we do it because we really CARE if we’re ahead of the rest of the women or not OR because we have SO many insecurities about ourselves that we just want to confirm that we’re not the worst player on the team.
But the fact that we want to run, run , run as fast as we can, turn back and say, “you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread gal” is a huge indication that we shouldn’t be wishing to get ahead just for the sake of getting ahead. That wishing to get ahead without a real focus on what TRULY matters is all mental games. And that instead of focusing our attention sideways to see if anybody is “caught up to us” or behind us or in front of us, when it comes to breastfeeding, we should pause, look down at our baby and re-engage with WHY we’re breastfeeding in the first place. We’re breastfeeding not to compare to other women. We’re breastfeeding to offer the best of ourselves to our baby.
What’s The Main Hesitation About Breastfeeding That You Need To Get Over?
I know that it SEEMS that some women have it “easy” when it comes to breastfeeding.
And you may THINK that you don’t have it easy or won’t have it easy.
Let me just pull back the curtain for you and reveal an important truth that I would REALLY like for you to TRULY process:
Out of ALL the breastfeeding women I know, NOBODY has had a 100% perfect breastfeeding experience.
Like NO-BO-DY .
Yet, many women have gone on to breastfeed for yeeeeears.
What Do You Need To Shift In Order To Get Over The Fact That Breastfeed Isn’t Easy?
Do you know what the difference between the women who breastfeed for years and those who don’t even breastfeed for 6 months is?
Breastfeeding is one of those topics where introducing it to someone won’t be enough or as “satisfactory” as it would be if you were getting an introductory overview of another topic.
You see, in order to understand breastfeeding, you have to actually DO IT.
What Is Required For You To Really Say You Know What Breastfeeding Is Like?
Before you even start breastfeeding, you need to really have a clear motivation for DOING IT and for CONTINUING TO DO IT. In other words, you need to commit to breastfeeding by remember who you’re breastfeeding for.
Obviously, you’re committing to breastfeeding for your baby’s wellbeing.
“Breastfeeding is no walk in the park. But you know what? It’s the best red carpet you can roll out for your baby.” – Haydee Montemayor
You need to learn aboutthe breastfeeding process and apply it. Breastfeeding isn’t about theory. It’s about practice.
You need to feel what it feels like to breastfeed.
The phrase, “you are what you eat (which by the way should really be, you are what you absorb) starts on the day that you’re born.
Your baby’s quality of life starts to be defined the minute you decide to give him/her breastmilk or formula.
Breastfeeding has nutritional, intellectual, immunological, emotional and psychological benefits.
Formula has nutritional benefits.
It’s important that when talking about any food item that you keep in mind that nutritional benefits are comprised of two things:
The actual nutrients found in that food item
And how those nutrients impact your direct and overall health
Today we will focus on the nutritional benefits of breastmilk and formula by doing a side-by-side comparison. And will discuss how these nutritional benefits impact your baby’s health now and for his/her lifetime.
My Story in Deciding How To Nourish My Baby
As I shared in the last post, when I became pregnant with my firstborn, I KNEW I wanted to breastfeed.
So when I was hours away from holding my baby in my arms, I was SUPER happy to see the best educational visual EVER hanging on the hospital wall (where I had my baby naturally with no medications) that showed how long the list of positive ingredients in breastmilk was in comparison to the list of ingredients in formula.
I didn’t need the extra push or validation to breastfeed, but if I did, seeing that poster would have made me sing “Whoomp there it is! Whoomp there it is! Shaka laka shaka laka shaka laka shaka whoomp!”
Breastfeeding is one of those topics that fuels mommy wars.
Mothers who decide to breastfeed can’t comprehend why there are mothers who decide not to breastfeed.
Mothers who don’t breastfeed don’t understand what the big fuss about breastfeeding your baby is all about.
And while it’s up to you to decide on which side of this elephant in the room you stand on, I’m here to share what I know about breastfeeding from the research and from my experience.
I wish I could be impartial and provide you with research studies that presented the downside of breastfeeding. But I haven’t found any. (Not that I think any exist).
On the contrary, the value and benefits of breastfeeding are such, that usually, pediatricians, the American Academy of Pediatrics Association (AAP,) breastfeeding consultants and the World Health Organization (WHO) are in agreement that babies should be breastfed for 1 year to 3 years or more. Many people are under the impression that 6 months is what you should aim to breastfeed for, but if you read the fine print carefully, you’ll at least 6 months of EXCLUSIVE breastfeed is suggested, but that it is also recommended that you continue to breastfeed even after you start introducing solids.
My decision to breastfeed was a very natural and easy one. In my mind, mothers breastfed. That’s what they do.
Even though I myself wasn’t breastfed and I don’t remember seeing my mother breastfeed my younger sister and my younger brother because she would do it behind closed doors in her bedroom… I decided to breastfeed. I knew it was important to my baby and I.
Since I had no role models to look up to, I started to do my own research and get comfortable with the idea I would be breastfeeding. And I was pretty excited.
When I was pregnant, I went to my first breastfeeding support group.
It was funny being there without a baby. And it was funnier that I was there before anybody could tell that I was pregnant. And you know what my recurring though was for most of that session? “I don’t want to see any boobs.” Although truth be told, I did see some breastfeeding mom’s boobs there and at other mothering courses I attended.
None of us want to wait around for what seems to be “forever” to get our wants met.
So, here are my best tips for how to increase the chances of getting what you want.
The only prerequisite is that you are open to changing the way that you think.
Can you do that? Good. Let’s Get Started!
Hey, Guess What? You DO Have a Genie!
This genie, however, has ONE rule: Be specific in how you feel, be specific in what you want, and be specific in how you ask for it without treating the other person poorly.
Pretend that the person you want to get something from is your genie.
But remember, as you know, with genies, you have to be careful how you phrase something because making a vague request gets a vague response. (And it ruins a wish) People don’t usually limit you to 3 wishes, but you can’t keep asking them for tons of stuff forever, you know?
For example, instead of saying:
“You should be able to know what I want when I get all emotional like this!” say,
“I just want you to give me a bear hug and tell me that everything will be okay.”
Express gratitude for getting what you want. When you get the goods, don’t forget to say “thank you.”
Feel how wonderful and EASSSSY it is to get what you want when you’re clear.
In the example above, can you notice the difference?
You get what you want ASAP (the bear hug and reassurance) and the other person doesn’t have to think about what you want, they just bibidi-bobidi-boom give it to you. It’s definitely a win-win-for you both.
You can’t control their mind, you can’t control their heart and you can’t control their beliefs. So instead of waiting for them to have compassion, to offer to help you or to think the same way that you do, ask clearly for what you want. They’re a genie, not a mind reader. You still gotta do the ask.
This genie “of yours” is genie to a lot of people as well, so your wishes will not always immediately be their command. Be patient. Wait your turn.
Even genies have wishes. And they have a heart, needs, and dreams and they need a hand from time to time. So help them out. If you treat a genie kindly, they will be kind to you.
Be Okay With “No”
In life, you win some and you lose some, but in order to be in the game, you’ve gotta realize that sometimes, when you ask for things you want and you need the answer will be, “No.”
And that’s okay. Beautiful even, because that means that when someone asks YOU something, that YOU have the same right to play by the same rules and say “No,” to them, not out of spite, but because you want to honor what you desire and WHAT YOU DON’T desire… what you want and WHAT YOU DON’T want.
There’s nothing worse that agreeing to say something that you DON’T want to do and want to kick yourself in the butt for it.
Notice What Actually Makes You Feel More Comfortable and More In Control
“When you’re waiting for people to “figure you out” and give you what you want without you asking for it…. instead of feeling like you’re in control, you’re actually feeling out of control. Every second that goes by and they don’t read your mind makes you feel less important and less loved.” – Haydee Montemayor
But what if you told the person what you wanted?
A) You would stop waiting
B) You would be doing something about it
C) They could say “yes”
D) They could give you what you wanted
E) They could say “no” and you could then move on to Plan B
Doesn’t that feel like being more in control than expecting to be surrounded by mindreaders?
Yep, I thought so.
And, the more you get into the habit of asking people for what you want, the more comfortable you’ll feel. Even if they say “no,”…. because at least you’ll get that “no” out of the way.
Plus, even if they say “no” for one thing it doesn’t mean that they’ll always say “no” for everything and forever. So, it boils down to trying.
And trying. And trying, and hopefully getting more self-sufficient in the process.
What To Do When People “Fail You” (AKA Don’t Give You What You Want and Need)
(Mmmmmhhhha) This is literally, vital… but hard… especially when you’re upset that the answer the someone gave you was not the answer you were expecting. In that case, breathe deeper and really let it all out. (Mmmmmmm Ahhhhhhhh)
Rephrase your emotions into language that they can understand and NOT get all defensive about. In order for them not to get defensive, you need to use language that doesn’t attack or that doesn’t convey that you’re pointing fingers. The rule of thumb is to stick to how you’re feeling instead of trying to imply that what the other person “did” to you made you feel a certain way.
As much as possible, stick with the facts. Men react more positively to facts than they do to emotions. Instead of putting on a pouty face and saying “You were late to my sister’s wedding because you don’t care about my family or me.” (Does that remind you of Married At First Sight, by chance? 😉 It was actually one of my favorites for April)… say… “You got to the wedding premises at 6:45 P.M., when the wedding actually starts at 7:00 P.M. and you’re gonna officiate the wedding.”
State what you expect for next time. Listen up ladies: guys don’t tend to like this tip because it makes it harder for them to get off the hook when something similar happens in the future, but stick to this anyway. ? Whenever you have an argument or a misunderstanding, say something to the effect of, “Okay, don’t worry about it. Let’s drop it. But can you promise me that next time that ____ happens, that you’ll ____?” They’ll usually say “yes.” However, the question is whether they’ll actually carry through the next time when it happens. From experience, they’re bound to “forget.” But don’t lose your cool (although I know you’ll want to), simply say, “Remember when something like this happened about one ______ minute, day, week, month or year ago? And yep, ladies can remember things that happened YEARS in the past, #amiright? If the guy says that they do remember, “Oh my! You’re in luck!” But if they say that they don’t remember, briefly remind them. If they’re still claiming amnesia, just continue with your original plan. State what you would expect for next time. And if they claim amnesia for the 2nd time for the same thing… I would start recording conversations (arguments, specifically). Us ladies don’t have time for this mental runaround. You may think that recording arguments is creepy. I call it smart. Not only will you really e able to review what they said, but hearing yourself argue can allow you to see in what way your communication can improve. And if the same situations pops up again, no worries, the proof will be in the pudding, my friend. Ta-da!
Call your emotions by their name. If you feel insecure, scared, etc. say so. For ideas of what words to use look into a prior post, How Good Of A Communicator Are You, Really?You gotta name it to claim it, get the reassurance/clarity you need and then release it. IFFF someone asks you, “What’s wrong?” don’t resort to the totally-lying-between-your-teeth-and-you-know-it, “Noooothing.”
Recognize when you’re trying to “take it out” emotionally on someone. Notice when you’re prone to letting off steam. Notice when you’re directing your frustration at someone. Most importantly figure out WHY you’re doing this and what advantage that’s giving you. In other words, what are you getting out of not getting your needs met? Realize that it’s not fair to be unfair and to blame others for issues that are going on inside of you and emotions that you’re supposed to be able to process without necessarily putting the blame on other people, especially those that have nothing to do with what you’re experiencing. Oh, and by the way, when you catch yourself doing this, this is the BIGGEST clue that you have to speak up, acknowledge the truth and get rid of the shitty feeling. Throw the poo down the drain, not at someone else. P.S. Stuffing yourself with a pint of Talenti gelato isn’t the answer either.
Notice if the reason you’re getting upset at someone failing to please you is because you feel nervous, scared or out of control. Have compassion for yourself and for the other person. Empathy. Heart. “Don’t let the conditions of the difficult moment you’re living become a difficult moment between you.”
Get to the root of the issue. If you’re upset that your husband wasn’t gonna get to your sister’s wedding on time, really dig deep and identify what it is about this situation that is making you feel out of balance. If, for example, you felt nervous thinking that your husband wasn’t going to make it to your sister’s wedding, that the wedding would start late because of your husband or that perhaps something had happened to him on the way there, tell him that instead of going on and on and give him the “How could he?” speech for days.
What Not To Do When People “Fail You”
Don’t name call. Don’t call someone inconsiderate, lazy, unloving or worse. Got it? Good?
Don’t project what they did wrong this time into the future. Don’t say, “Based on how you reacted with this request, I wouldn’t doubt that you won’t be able to do ____, when the day comes / when I need you/ during Christmastime.”
Leave the “I can’t believe” comments for another time. Hopefully for a good surprise. So instead of saying, “I can’t believe you did _____” or “I can’t believe you were ___” or “I can’t believe you didn’t ____” or “I can’t believe you weren’t _____,” (you get the point), get into the habit of using that phrase for positive things, “I can’t believe you took the time to make me my favorite cookies even though you got home tired from work. How thoughtful! Thank you!” You see what that does? If you do that often enough, you’ll be encouraging positive behavior with that phrase instead of adding salt to a wound or unwanted honey to an already sticky situation. When you use this phrase negatively you usually do three things:
make the other person feel worse,
make yourself feel worse,
and make the situation worse because you’re essentially adding shame to a wrongdoing… so you create an additional problem to resolve.
Don’t blame people for things that they couldn’t resolve even if they wanted to. Don’t say “I felt neglected by you.” What if they weren’t by you because they needed to run to the restroom? Were they supposed to not go to the restroom so that you didn’t feel unwanted? How could they have predicted that whatever the action was that they were going to take was going to make you feel unwanted? Most likely, they couldn’t right? Plus, what do you say to someone who felt neglected? What do you do? You can’t turn back the time.
Don’t generalize. Don’t say things like “You never help me.” “You’re always gone.” “You’re never here when I need you.” “You always do that.” “You never do that.”
Why shouldn’t you say that? For three reasons: a) Saying that, no matter how true it feels, is most likely a lie (Why? Cuz there are hardly any absolutes in life. Absolutes are true when you say you’ve never done something in the past. For example, you can say, I’ve never been to Montana, and that would be true). 2) You will make the other person feel worse than they do… and they can become sadder, more ashamed or angrier 3) Saying an absolute that’s not true will become like a self-fulfilling prophecy that you’ll attract. And since the other person doesn’t believe in them anyway, they’ll be less worried about disappointing you. They’ll do what you hate almost on purpose (although subconsciously) so that in the future you can say, YOU SEE?! You’re never here when I need you.”
Don’t assume that people know what you want and don’t expect them to. Even genies need to know what you want to fulfill your wishes, remember?
Don’t try to take them down emotionally. Don’t say things like “If you were a good husband, you would ______.” #badidea
Don’t put the entire responsibility of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs on one person. (In other words, remember that there are no Prince Charmings For example, don’t say, “I need you to make me feel safe.” “I need you to make me feel loved.” “I need you to give me support so that I can become self-actualized.” These requests are SOOOO BIIIGGIG that the other person will be left wondering where to start, so much that they’re very likely to not start at all. Plus, even if someone is amazing with you, they will not last forever. None of us will.
In Sum, What Should You Do?
Express your needs honestly and politely in a clear way and invite other people in your life to do the same. That will increase the odds of you getting what you want and will allow you to give others what they want.
As others communicate their needs with you, you get to practice recognizing what clear requests sound like so that you can be clearer with them, too. In the end, everybody can win, as long as they continue to communicate.
When It Comes To Communication, Give It To Them Straight
To wrap up all of this communication series (you can find all of the links for it below), any time you feel that you’re upset because someone is not giving you what you want or need and instead is giving you what you don’t need, ask yourself these questions:
What is happening that is causing these emotions to surface?
What emotions are popping up?
What am I needing that I’m not getting?
What am I getting out of not having my needs fulfilled? What am I getting out of NOT getting what I want?
Only by thinking about these questions and coming up with honest answers and helpful solutions can you actually increase your odds of getting what you want and what you need.
Continue on and ask yourself:
What do I really, REALLY want?
Be okay with owning what you want and what you need and proclaiming it.
What am I truly asking for?
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Make sure that your actual desires are matching up to your nonverbal cues and body language.
Whatever You Do, Keep This In Mind
Life is much more fun when you have what you want and you have what you need.
Don’t pretend that you don’t want and need what you do.
Speak up for yourself.
Be your best advocate.
And PLLLLEASE, don’t get to the end of your life without fully embracing your desires.
Your desires are what make you feel alive.
Let me repeat that, it’s THAT important:
Your desires are what make you feel alive.
They’re what make this thing called life worth it.
As long as what you want, what you need, what you say you want, what you actually want, your tone, and your body language are all matching, and your intention in getting what you want is clear, but also generous with others… then you should be golden… and your life should be golden.
A Controversial Caveat
The older I grow, the more I believe that there are two main wills in life.
One is not better than the other.
“Life is a sensual dance between your will and life’s will.”-Haydee Montemayor
2) There’s a lesson, a blessing a gem in what you perceive to be the absence of what you want. It’s always there. Always. And it can be more than one.
3) What you want is on its way and just a little bit more patience will be key.
4) You have to work harder for what you want.
5) You have to change directions and go after a dream that will ultimately end up being much more satisfactory than the one that you want.
“What you have been able to attain and what has been denied to you PLUS what you’ve been able to choose and reject are all events that you’ll one day be able to connect the dots with and see how they formed the tapestry of your life.
“Focus on what you have because what you have is what you once wanted, and what many would give the world for.” -Haydee Montemayor
Now It’s Your Turn
Which of the “no-no’s” for communicating your needs are you guilty of?
Which of these tips has worked well for you?
Which of the ways of better communicating your needs will you be trying first? Why?
Do you have any tips that have worked wonders for you?
Share your experience with us. After all, you can be our knowledge genie. 😉
The Want/ Need Series
If you liked this post, feel free to visit the others in the series designed to teach you how to navigate the difficult waters of assuming responsibility for what you want, what you need and how to communicate those wants and needs.
In 4 prior posts for this series, we have been talking a lot about what our needs and wants are and what we can do in order to get them.
However, has it ever dawned on you that what you are NOT getting may be working for you?
In other words, has it ever occurred to you that there is a benefit or a payoff for wanting or needing something, but not having it?
I know, it’s crazy! But hear me out.
There are many reasons why what you want isn’t showing up in our life.
And no, those reasons aren’t because you’re unlucky, doomed, a loser or anything like that.
On the contrary, you are soooo powerful that you are probably preventing some of these things from coming into your life. (And nope, these are not woo-woo reasons, either).
Let’s see if some of them actually ring a bell.
Reasons Why You Subconsciously Prevent Yourself From Getting What You Say You Want
Keep in mind that there are three ways you prevent yourself from getting what you want:
The first way you prevent yourself from preventing what you want own is by you getting in your own way (without other people involved). In this case, the conflict is internal. It’s you vs. self.
The second way that you keep yourself from getting what you say you want is by not communicating your needs clearly, tactfully and with conviction. The conflict is with someone external. It’s like you vs. them or you vs. the world.
The third way is that it’s a combination of both you having an issue with yourself and with others. This usually manifests itself when you have a scipt you play again and again in which you have an expectation, and when people don’t figure out what your expectation is, you regurgitate the script as to why this happened blaming yourself for not being worthy of getting what your want or their stupidity for not knowing by now what you need. Sounds familiar? Yep, I thought so. That is because, unfortunately, this is the most common reason why you don’t get what you want. You make everything mean something. More precisely, you make everything mean something negative about you. You play the “woe is me” game… and you end up winning the woe, or seen another way, you end up losing on the beautiful moments in life all because they didn’t go according to plan.
In each of these cases, however, the solution to getting what you want is within you, and you either have to make changes in your own internal landscape to get what you want, OR you need to change the way that you communicate and interact with others, in order for those positive changes to flourish.
Reason #1: What You Are Asking For Is Not What You Want
I know, I know, you’re probably thinking “WHAT?!? Of course I am asking for what I want!”
Of all the ways in which you block things, admitting that you don’t really want what you say you want is among the hardest things to admit. It’s so difficult, so uncomfortable and so painful that if this is going on for you (which in some area of your life it probably is)… your brain is just saying “NEXT!” You want to go onto the next topic because you don’t want to deal with this.
You don’t want to think about this. You don’t want to have a conversation with yourself to get to the bottom of what your anguish is. You would rather ignore the truth, because that way you can “peacefully” continue doing what you’re doing and not have to change a thing.
Let’s say, for example, that you have been telling yourself and others that you want to build a business. But for years, you’ve been trying to get that thing that you’re doing off the ground and it’s not budging.
If someone were to ask you what you would do if you won the lottery today, your first response would be to spend more time with your children, because deep down, you KNOW you don’t want to be in business for the sake of feeling accomplished, but rather, because you want to take care of them, even if it’s monetarily.
And don’t get me wrong, children are a HUGE motivation behind the success of many businesses but some women would prefer not having to worry about being a breadwinner or contributing to the household’s income and would instead prefer to truly focus on fully being a carefree mother.
So ask yourself, if you had more money, more time, or more support, would you really want to do that which you say you want to do?
If yes, good for you.
But if your answer is no, then you have four choices.
You can abandon ship and stop trying what you’re trying and is failing miserably and instead do what you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to do no matter what anybody thinks.
You can sit down and get real with yourself and even promise yourself that even if you do gain traction or achieve success in that which you have been resistant to be successful in, that you’ll still make time for the things that are the most important to you.
You can do something else that allows you to have more time to do what you really want to do.
You can continue burying your head in the sand like an ostrich and not gain any satisfaction in your projects that you’re doing out of obligation and give up the courage to actually pursue what you want. And life, will sound like this… tick, tock, tick, tock… and it’ll take something bigger to wake you up, and most likely it’ll be painful.
Reason #2: You Don’t Want To Do The Work
If truth be told, sometimes you have wants or even needs that you don’t want to work for.
You may say you want to go to Bali, but you don’t want to put in the effort to earn the money to go, book the travel or remove yourself from your comfortable routine in order to potentially have a good time.
When it comes to love, people need romantic love (and they even go as far as to say that they want it) but then they don’t want to do the work, by making the time to date, making the time to grow the relationship, heal the relationship and give more love to their partner. Ever done that?
So, whatever it is that you want, if you actually are convinced that you really want it, requires that you invest either time, money, effort, attention or love.
If you’re not willing to invest these things, then you probably don’t want it that bad. And that’s okay. But don’t whine and complain that you don’t have it if you’re not willing to do the work.
Reason #3: You Prefer Placing The Blame On Other People Rather Than Taking Ownership
It’s SOOOO easy to “resign” yourself in not having what you want by telling yourself, “Oh well, I guess I’m not gonna have ____ need or ____ want because so and so is not willing to give it to me/ is not supportive/ doesn’t think I’m enough to deserve it or to achieve it” (and the list can go on and on).
So then, you sit in your laurels, well actually, to be precise, you sit on your pile of excuses and have a pity party for yourself instead of focusing on the fact that you pretty much CAN have everything you want and need if you work for it, think highly of yourself to think you’re worth it and ultimately want to give yourself the satisfaction of obtaining it for yourself.
Solution? Take ownership and pride in what you can achieve.
Reason #4: You Have A Block
When despite how hard you try you’re not able to obtain a need or a want, it’s very likely that you have a block.
Blocks are especially common around money, love and self-image.
If you hit income ceilings, income plateaus, or don’t believe that abundance is for everyone and that there is enough to go around, then you probably have a money block.
If you haven’t been able to attract a good partner into your life, have had broken engagements, routinely attract the bad boys or have gotten to the point in which you simply don’t believe in love any more, then you probably have a love block.
These blocks are probably there because you’ve had a terrible experience in the past that pretty much traumatized you.
Or you’re very jealous and critical of people who have what you want but you don’t. But if you stop and think about it, why would you be able to have what you criticize others for? You are essentially protecting yourself from your own critical by not having it.
So what do you have to do to clear up any blocks that you have?
Admit that you probably have a block.
Find out why that block is there to the best of your ability.
Find out what the benefit for remaining stuck is for you and decide if you prefer that benefit over getting that which you want or not.
If you decide that you would want to have what you haven’t let yourself experience up until now, you should monitor your thoughts around that which you want.
Monitor your language.
Monitor your actions that could be repelling or attracting that which you say you want.
Have courage to face your fears of things going wrong, of you potentially being hurt, of you potentially being criticized, of you potentially being seen as conceited, of you potentially being seen as shallow. Most importantly, have the courage to face your fear of things going RIGHT… of you getting what you want and being able to do more things in your life that perhaps in the past you haven’t been able to.
Have the perseverance to do the work.
Have faith that the work will be worth it.
Have patience with your yourself and in getting that which you desire.
Reason #5: There’s Better Timing
When you know that there are no blocks regarding what you want and need and you’ve put in the effort required in transforming your needs and wants into reality, it is highly, HIGHLY possible that it may not be the right time to have what you want.
It sucks to admit it, but usually, when the timing isn’t right, deep down, you know that it isn’t… or you soon find out that it wasn’t.
The reason why things don’t move forward when the timing isn’t right may be because this desired need or want that you have may clash against something that you’re currently enjoying in your life as it currently stands or because it may clash against something you desire.
For example, let’s say you’ve been wanting to backpack throughout Europe with your husband, but for some reason or another, you haven’t been able to finalize the arrangements to make it happen because companies cancel on you, there’s miscommunication, things (like emails) get lost or disappear and it seems that the world is literally conspiring against you so that you don’t go (and it’s not you having paranoia).
The situation is so bad that you have practically given up on your desire to go backpacking… or at least you’re not currently thinking as actively about the beautiful sights you imagine you’ll see. Then, all of a sudden, you find out that you’re pregnant. Right then you understand why things were getting on the way. You weren’t meantto go backpacking throughout Europe. Having morning sickness in that environment would not be pleasant. Heaven, forbid, no. Perhaps instead, you can go on a European cruise… that is, if you aren’t also prone to being seasick.
This phenomenon of “there’s better timing” happens all the time with jobs that you want and don’t get or jobs that you have but are let go from. And during those moments remembering that things will come in their due time is especially tough. But take a look at your own life… at your own jobs. Can you see the thread of how one job and one disillusion in a job led you to another job, and another thing collapsing led you to a better job, and to you meeting someone else that was important in your life?
From what I know, there’s always a golden gem in failed jobs, failed relationships, failed businesses and failed transactions. The gem comes in the form of a person, a lesson, a better opportunity, health, more peace, more overall joy and even saving your life.
I didn’t always have the best time in my jobs, but you know what? If it wasn’t for one of those failed jobs in particular, I wouldn’t be in this home, with my current husband and holding my son as I write this. And for those reasons alone, I don’t mind that failed job as much. I would even do it all over again just to be able to hug my current family because to me, they are my gem. Did I learn other lessons with that same failure? Of course! So, in many ways, it was all good.
The ideal destination isn’t an achievement, success or a recognition, it’s being embraced by the people who believed in you all along, not because of what you accomplished, but because of who you are. -Haydee Montemayor
Things happen for a reason. When it comes to things not working out in a specific timeframe and then finding out why, seeing what that reason was for things not working out is like a big “aha moment” and it provides you with more clarity, peace and a feeling, of “alright, I see why that happened the way that it did,” and you’re better able to move on in your life and TRUST, that next time, when you question why things are happening the way that they are, that Life has your back.
Reason #6: Not Getting What You Want Helps You Avoid Your Fear
It does so In two ways:
1) It Gives You Security And Protection.
Sometimes, the goals that you want are so huge for you either because of the bravery required, the strength they call for or the courage needed that just thinking about going after them gives you the heebie-jeebies to the point that you either don’t move toward that dream AT ALL or you take one step forward and three back.
You can relate, right? And then, you feel justified in saying, “Oh, well, it’s not working out” even though YOU KNOW you gave it a wimpy try and you can do SOOO much better!
The truth is you’re scared of going out of your comfort zone. You’re scared of being signaled, criticized, made fun at, attacked or followed around the internet by trolls.
WHY are you afraid? Because you don’t fully believe in your dream. You wouldn’t slay a dragon for it, yet. And the operative word is “yet.” But don’t worry, there may come the day when you do have more faith in your dream when you finally realize that even if you were guaranteed security and protection for life…that that itself won’t make you the happiest.
Having an entourage or a body guard for you and your dreams won’t make your life meaningful, so go out there and create the things you think the world needs, because it most likely does. While your creation might not be well-received by all, for those people that you positively impact, your decision to go out on a limb for them will be well worth it. -Haydee Montemayor
2) It Keeps You Small
By insisting that you have security and protection instead of accomplishment, adventure and bigger satisfactions, you stay small.
You’re staying small if regardless of how much you SAY you want to progress in life, you’re very comfortable living in the situation that you’re living. Your life isn’t all that you want it to be, but it’s not a total disaster either, so you just stay put right where you are and continue getting the results you always have.
Some people decide to play small most of their life. There are some people, however, that “graduate” to medium… doing more socially noteworthy things while still taking special care to remain in their comfort zone.
But if what you’re really after is self-actualization, you need to G-R-O-W and therefore, staying small, or even medium, is not an option.
With self-actualization, it doesn’t matter WHAT you want to do, but How you want to do it. And usually, truly self-actualized people do things with a beautiful impact. So whether you want to build the next Apple, be the best stay at home mom you can be, or provide the most humane philanthropic care that you can, you can’t stay small. Because in a way, you staying small would be like you loving small, and I’m pretty sure that’s not what you’re after.
Think of Oprah, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Gandhi, Deepak Chopra, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, Adam Braun the founder of Pencils of Promise and Scott Harrison the founder of Charity: Water. They are human people who make mistakes just like you and I. Yet, they’ve been able to do great things for the world. It doesn’t matter so much WHAT they’ve done, but that they’ve done it with their own unique touch and to attempt to reach their own mission in life.
In order to make a big difference you have to play big where you are, whether it’s in your own relationship, in your own family, in your own community, in your field, in your state, in your country or in the world. There are needs that need to be fulfilled at each of these levels. It’s not the size of the things that you do that will matter. Ironically, it’s usually the little things that people need to make them feel better like inspiration, motivation, meditation, education and water. These “small things” end up being the most important of all. They’re the little links connecting the beautiful gemstones in life. They’re the little things that make life feel more complete, more worth it.
In sum, you don’t have to put yourself out there for the sake of putting yourself out there and for the sake of accomplishing HUGE things.
In order to create great change in the world, you just have to lend a helping, supportive hand every time you get the chance to help people you know, people you don’t know, people who are having a rough day, or people who have been having a rough life. The greatest changes are, after all, achieved by providing hope to one person at a time. -Haydee Montemayor
Reason #7 You Like Drama
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Really, Haydee? You’re gonna go there?” And my answer to that is “Yes, I am.”
As you already know, because you and I both have been guilty about this, sometimes the reason why we consciously or subconsciously get in conflicts with people is because it’s entertainment.
More like a terror or a thriller than a romantic telenovela, but it’s entertainment nevertheless.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever gotten into an argument with your partner because you wanted to add some “intensity” into the relationship because it’s pretty boring without it?
Have you ever gotten into a fight because you like making up?
Have you played the “woe is me” role in a conversation only so that you’re pampered at the end?
Do you pretend you’re jealous of your spouse or do you make your spouse jealous just to gauge how much they love you?
Do you prove to your husband how wise you are by always wanting to be right instead of preserving the peace?
And perhaps the ultimate question is, would you rather create conflict with your spouse instead of being emotionally and physically intimate with them because you fear what that fear and intimacy requires?
You don’t have to tell me all of the answers to these questions, unless you want to, of course.
When you opt for this drama instead of actually getting close to someone else, it’s usually because you think it lacks passion. The true kind, the romantic kind, the thing that romance novels are made of. Well actually, even romance novels have a lot of drama. They use the rubber-band effect of coming together and pulling away a little too often. So perhaps, the love relationship you’re after is the one that the best couple in your life has.
At the very least, you’re actually afraid of that which you say that you want. If you come up with all sorts of issues about love, and say you want love, but spend more time untangling the messy parts of love than enjoying it, it’s about time that you get real with yourself in a loving sort of way and tell yourself that you can have the beauty and benefits of love if you behave well. You can’t be throwing constant tantrums in a relationship and remain desirable.
Yes, I know that there are plenty of ladies out there that pull every one of these tricks out of their bag every single day and seem to have a saint for a husband. But even saints get tired. What’s worse is this:
If you make drama a daily part of your life, pretty soon, you forget who the actress is and who you really are. – Haydee Montemayor
In order to untangle yourself from the drama as much as possible, there are two things you should ask yourself:
Have I had similar dramas like these in previous relationships? This is especially useful if you want to get a better idea if this is a pattern that YOU are carrying with you into every relationship. If you find out that you are causing some drama, ask yourself, how is it serving you?
If I could say ANYTHING to my partner, what would I say? Am I really saying it? The reason these questions are important is because often, we add drama into a relationship to distract ourselves from the void, the pain, the apathy, the tiredness and the loneliness we feel in a relationship. Perhaps we want proximity, perhaps we want out. It’s very important to know the difference. Most likely, you just want to let a prior argument, blame or situation go… but you insist on holding a grudge. When you forgive that situation or release that situation from the bottom of your soul, you create space for new experiences with your partner.
What Can We Learn From All The Ways We Self-Sabotage?
There are three things we can learn:
If you remember this, you pretty much have it made:
Don’t send mixed messages. To others, especially to yourself.
Women are the topic of many stand-up jokes because of this very tendency to say yes when they mean no and vice versa.
And while it is funny that we do this subconsciously and consciously, the more we send mixed messages the less surprised we should be if we don’t have what we want.
When you send mixed messages to yourself, your subconscious mind cannot help you. Napoleon Hill once said, “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.” But if you’re coming and going, then, there’s no clarity, no path and no vision.
Know what you want. It’s unfair to expect other people to unscramble your desires. -Haydee Montemayor
2. You have more control of your destiny than you give yourself credit for so choose and act wisely. If something isn’t working out, the most likely person to blame is you instead of other people.
3. When something isn’t working out, it’s the perfect opportunity to evaluate whether we really want it. It’s totally okay if it isn’t. Just be real with yourself.
You can either repeat the story of why you can’t, or create a new story of why you will. – Haydee Montemayor
5. There are various seasons in life and what you’ve wanted for your past or present, may not necessarily be what you’ll want for your future. So instead of carrying a huge backpack of dreams up a hill without ever stopping, stop and take inventory of those dreams to see if they still would be things that give you joy. If they’re not, leave them by the roadside, perhaps someone else would like to have that dream. Don’t feel guilty of leaving them there, especially if they started being someone else’s dreams instead of your own.
But for those dreams which you really treasure, march confidently up that hill knowing that you can achieve what you put your heart, mind and soul into.
Now It’s Your Turn
Fess up, what are you getting out of NOT getting what you want?
What would you prefer to have? The current payoff or what you really, really want?
Feeling brave? What is the primary reason why you’re not getting what you want out of life?
The Want/ Need Series
If you liked this post, feel free to visit the others in the series designed to teach you how to navigate the difficult waters of assuming responsibility for what you want, what you need and how to communicate those wants and needs.