Author: Haydee Montemayor

Is Crystal Wash Totally Worth It?

Doing laundry is one of those household chores that practically nobody likes to do. And even though my blog is called Love and Treasure. I certainly don’t love or treasure this task.

Steps To Doing Laundry

In case you’ve never stopped to wonder why you dread laundry so much, let me tell that it’s probably because, as you know, one of the most annoying things about doing laundry is that there are sooo many steps to it.

To show you what I mean, I have compiled a list of what laundry entails, although I understand that there are many different ways of doing laundry… and that this list is so long that I probably missed a step.

You’re welcome to read the literal laundry list, but it’s super boring… just like doing laundry. So I won’t be offended if you just skim through it.

Putting the item in the laundry basket (hopefully into one that’s already predetermined by color so that the laundry ends up sorted when you’re about to wash it).
But if you don’t have that kind of system, you need to sort it.
Then you have to brainwash yourself to do laundry.
You then put the hefty load into the wash (making sure than any super delicate items get the necessary attention). Hopefully, you have trained your family well so that you don’t have to check pockets.
Next, you get the detergent, measure it and pour it
Then you get, measure and pour the softener
You turn on the machine
You think about what setting would best go with the load you put in.
You select the settings and turn the machine on.
You walk away and start doing other things.
You HAVE to remember that you washed and have to make sure that you can drop everything else you’re doing and take out the wet clothing at a semi-convenient time.
You either put things that you can into the drier. Or if you’re like me you line dry everything. For ecological reasons, economic reasons, so you don’t have to think about what’s safe to dry in the drier, and because deep down you don’t want to ever have to wonder if the reason you’re not fitting into your jeans is because they shrunk or you gained weight. It’s better to know the truth, right off the bat.
Then you have to allow the clothes to dry.
Then you have to go fetch it, either from the drier or from the clothing lines.
Theeeeennnnn, you have to sort and fold… or fold and sort, whatever you prefer. And if you’re folding the Marie Kondo or KonMari method, you have to have enough love and care for your thing in you to want to fold things a certain way and organize them a certain way. (I do highly recommend the KonMari method, by the way, although I realize that it takes quite a bit of dedication, especially when it comes to laundry).
Finally, you have to put the clothes back into their respective locations.
You probably collapse on the ground due to exhaustion.
You repeat the cycle again as soon as you get up, the next day, the following day, or sometime during that week.

For The Most Part, What Are You Looking For In A Partner?

In the last post, titled What Do Your Past Partners Have in Common?, you learned that your past love partners are more similar than you thought. So today’s question is “WHERE are these positive and negative characteristics that you’re apparently attracted to coming from?”

The simple answer is that they’re coming from the desire to find that “perfect” match for you.

But that doesn’t tell you much does, it?

So now the question is, “WHY are you looking for these particular positive and negative characteristics in a potential partner?”

Before I give you the answer, let me ask you are you SURE you want to know? I’m asking because this may be really hard for some of you to handle? I mean, REALLY HARD.

Okay, make sure you’re sitting down, just in case what I’m about to share is a bit much.

What you’re looking for is someone who is like your mom, your dad or (wait, there’s hope…) like your primary caregiver.

Oh and by the way, it’s Harville Hendrixs that came up with this super- hard-to-swallow news based on his more than 40 years of experience helping couples as a relationship therapist.

Shock and Disbelief Might Be An Understatement Depending On The Upbringing You Had

If you’re sitting there in total shock and disbelief about what you just heard, trust me, I totally get it.

When I first learned that I was looking for someone like my parents, I was literally, like:

“WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!!!???”

“You’ve GOT to be KIDDING me!!!”

But then I read the findings again and my train of thought was:

“I know I never sought someone like my dad.”
“Nor my mom.”
“It must have been seeking someone like my grandmother.”

And it makes toooootal sense. You see, my grandmother is my adoration and out of 80+ grandkids she had, I was her favorite granddaughter. Talk about feeling special!

You betcha I was seeking a love like that! A love like that is worth treasuring!

This doesn’t mean that I was seeking someone to replace her or to love me exactly the way that she did, but what I mean is that in order for me to be the most happy and fulfilled in a relationship/marriage I NEEDED for my partner/husband to have as many of the positive traits that I considered special in my grandma and as few of the negative traits that she or any of my caregivers had.

And in case you’re new to this blog, this is the same grandma who would call me her “love” and her “treasure.” Words that were sooooo ingrained in me that it was what I automatically started calling my son when he was newly born. And that’s, in large part, how this blog was born.

Even though my grandma has passed on, to this day, if someone tells me, “I ADORE you” I get butterflies in my stomach. It’s one of the best things you can tell me.

Because if you think about it, people can love you but not show it. But if they tell you they adore you… that word “adore” in and of itself means that they KNOW how truly SPECIAL you are and that they treasure you in their hearts, minds and lives.

Do you now what I mean?

**But Do I Only Value The Personality Traits That My Grandmother Had?**

I hate to say it, but no.

I have one parent who has characteristics that I admire so much that I wish I had.

Before I say anything else, it’s important to note that while nobody consciously says, “Oh yeah, I need to find someone who has the worst qualities that my most hurtful parent has,” some people subconsciously end up choosing or attracting partners who have these undesirable qualities as a way to “heal” them.

But you’re not totally weak and defenseless when it comes to this attraction. You do have some control… mostly in the form of your consciousness, commitment to not settling, patience in finding the one and determination in keeping the faith.

In my case, for instance, marrying someone who had the characteristic I most despised from one of my parents was an absolute non-negotiable no-no for me.

I told myself “HELL no! NO WAY! It’s NOT gonna happen! I don’t need a lifetime of that despicable characteristic in my life. I’m skipping that for sure even though I might have to wait longer for the right guy to come along.” And I did have to gently weed out some people because I was not willing to compromise when it came to that. And thankfully, my deliberate intention paid off.

In this case, bringing this particular despicable characteristic to my consciousness as many times as I needed to ensure that I didn’t subconsciously pick out someone who had it helped me totally avoid it. And I’m truly thankful for that because it has helped me see that our upbringing doesn’t have to be perfect in order to create, attract and enjoy a loving relationship as adults.

But enough about me, let’s focus on you.

Having Trouble Admitting That You Wanted To Form A Committed Relationship With Someone Like Your Parents and/or Caregivers?

Don’t worry.

It’s toooootally normal.

Even Harville Hendrix himself says that most people have a hard time accepting this idea.

And it makes sense. We didn’t rebel against our parents throughout our lifetime for nothing, right?

But you and I know that the subconscious mind is really powerful and it pretty much is the motor behind most of your decisions.

Dr. Hendrix also says that despite our conscious intentions, MOST people are subconsciously attracted to people like our caregivers. (And remember that your caregiver could be a babysitter, or someone who like in my case, was in charge of me while my parents worked and was like a second mom).

You are/were attracted to your partner based on the negative and positive characteristics of the most influential people on the onset of your life.

For example, in my case, even though I was able to avoid that non-negotiable no-no does not mean that I escaped having ALL of the negative characteristics that my parents had. Wish that was the case, but it wasn’t. And truthfully, it’s NOT meant to be the case.

I have chosen in a partner someone who can trigger my childhood wounds. And I’m sure you have, too. It’s supposed to work that way. (I know, it sucks).

Even if you stop to think about ANY relationship, romantic or otherwise, any person is prone to saying something or doing something that can hurt you. It’s absurd to think that someone who you spend so much time with, like your romantic partner, for so many years is not going to hurt you.

Despite how awful the thought that you chose someone who can trigger your childhood wounds is, the beauty of it all is that this same person can learn to love you when you share how painful their actions are and can more than anybody, learn to reduce the amount of times they hurt you. And you can do the same for them. Relationships, after all, are a two-way street.

Are You Worried Sick That You Chose The Wrong Partner?

First of all, breathe.

Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Know that it was primarily your subconscious brain that was helping you chose the partner that you did.

It’s not the most logical part of you, that’s for sure.

It’s not what you would have chosen if you had more conscious awareness and control.

But your subconscious is also not evil.

Love is meant to be enjoyed. And the reason why you chose the person you did, who may or may not have provided you or be providing you joy is because you wanted to enjoy your life sooooo much since the beginning, since you were growing up, that it’s almost like your brain is trying to recreate your childhood through your partner so that the wrongs of your past that happen can be righted.

Maybe, just maybe, you find some comfort in the fact that your parents, no matter how perfect or imperfect they were for you, cared for you as much as was necessary for you to survive.

However, as a child you didn’t want survival, do you?

You wanted love.

Day and night.

So, the likelihood of you being 100% satisfied with the amount of love you received is super-slim.

So, as a result, what do you want the most from your partner?

Love.

And in many ways you want them to give you the love that you feel that you didn’t get as a child.

You want somebody who doesn’t need to love you, to really, really, really love you and make you feel as the special being you truly are.

Can anybody blame you for that?

I hope you see that there is truly a reason why things happened the way they did, and we’ll continue to explore if your love has hope or if it’s really truly lifeless. But for now, let’s take it one step at a time and focus on what we can control, right this second…. like participating in this next activity, for example.

So now, let’s find out whom your current partner/spouse or most significant partner in your life is MOSTLY like.

Click on this Love and Treasure This Moment of Introspection For The Most Part, What Are You Looking For In A Partner? PDF

So Now It’s Your Turn

What did doing this activity reveal to you?

Leave your comments below.

What Do Your Past Partners Have In Common?

In the last science of love post we talked about three theories that could possibly be influencing the initial attraction you feel toward someone.

If you did the Love and Treasure this Moment of Introspection- The Three Love Theories PDF from that prior post, you may have felt that those three theories created by scientists suited you or they didn’t. That is because although there is some truth to them, they don’t tell the whole story about how love really works.

For example, if you stop to think about it, since those theories are so open, one could assume that the number of people that you could potentially fall in love with is in the hundreds. And while yes, there are many fish in the sea, this would mean that if you were put in a ballroom of 100 random guys that you could randomly pick one of them and have that person be the love of your life, which is not likely.

We’re Rooting For Who We Think Is The One And Only

Take me, for example.

I’m flirtatious by nature and I don’t think that there are even 50 people in the world that I could truly, utterly fall in love with. Not 25. Not 10. Etc.

And I’m pretty sure you feel the same. When it comes to love, you are pickier than you realize.

In part, this explains why breakups are soooo painful. You are torn because you want the one person you are losing, not any of the billions of fish in the sea.

So What Do We Do When We Lose Someone?

The three love theories almost imply that after an inevitable loss, you should just catch another fish that could be as attractive, successful, kind or helpful in enhancing your self-image. But nope, you don’t want just any other fish. You are looking for THE ONE. (That’s why the three attraction theories fall a bit short).

It doesn’t matter if you THOUGHT that the two previous relationships HAD led you to the one or not… if your relationships fail, your search for the one continues. You are neeeever searching for “NOT THE ONE.”

How Did You Go About Searching For The One?

Think back on your love life…. you either fell in one of these 4 categories: (not that I want to put you in a box, or anything 😉 )

1) You had lots of boyfriends /girlfriends (you were an experimenter)

2) You had a few boyfriends/girlfriends (you were a dabbler)

3) You had no prior boyfriend/girlfriend until you met your current partner (you were a once-in-a-lifetime romantic… maybe by choice, maybe by circumstance)

4) Or you haven’t had a boyfriend/girlfriend YET (you’re a hopeful and that’s great because if there’s anything we should have hope in, it’s love, there is noooo better thing to wish for, wait for and start giving yourself now through self-love because loving yourself is attractive to others).

So How Many Contenders Did You Find? REEEAALLLY?

Regardless of your situation, no matter how many partners you had, if you’re really, really, really honest with yourself there have only been a few contenders for lifetime partners in your life. Probably, around 2 or 3.

The one who got away (usually the secret crusssshhh)
The one with whom the timing wasn’t right and
The one that you ended up marrying or entering a committed relationship with.

Sounds familiar?

Of course, not everybody has the same, exact experience, but the point is, regardless of whether you were an experimenter, a dabbler, a once-in-a-lifetime romantic or a hopeful, you were/are looking for someone quite specific that made/will make you say “ahhhaaaaa!!!” the moment you get to truly know them because you see them as someone special, someone different and someone familiar (we’ll get into the importance of these details later).

The point is, until you find him/her, you are in perpetual search for THE One. That’s your goal. (Unless of course, you just want to be a “playa” (player) but you probably wouldn’t be reading this Love and Treasure blog if you were.)

So What Are You Looking For In The One?

I don’t know, you tell me.

Just kidding!

But really, I’ll tell you what you’re looking for in a nutshell, you’re looking for a unique set of characteristics that only your subconscious brains can identify. (That is, they were subconscious up until now that you’re putting conscious effort to dig up what those characteristics might be.)

You wanna know something surprising?

All the people who’ve you’ve seriously considered as mates are more similar than you realize.

AND they hold a HUUUGGGE clue as to what you’re looking for.

I hate to break it to you, buuuutttt what you’re looking for is a combination of positive characteristics and negative characteristics.

You may be asking, “Huhhh?? Negative characteristics?! Why would I want negative characteristics?”

I know!!!

It doesn’t make sense, right?

Who would EVER want to select a romantic partner based on negative characteristics?

Apparently, we all do.

Oh, and before you think that it was me who did it, it was actually Dr. Harville Hendrixs who identified that if we stopped to really take a good look at our partners, or at our wish-they-were partners, we would discover that they’re more similar that we thought. Dr. Hendrixs is a relationship therapist that has been practicing for 40 years. (40 years!!!)

Let’s see what positive and negative characteristics you look for and if the people who’ve you’ve honest-to-goodness considered as a lifetime mate are similar as they’re said to be.

Go ahead and download the Love-and-Treasure-This-Moment-of-Introspection-What-Do-Your-Past-Partners-Have-In-Common PDF and take a moment to really reflect on your previous partners. This information will come in handy in the next post and in your life in general.

Now It’s Your Turn

So, how did your Love-and-Treasure-This-Moment-of-Introspection-What-Do-Your-Past-Partners-Have-In-Common PDF activity go?
Did you confirm whether or not the people who you honest-to-goodness considered as lifetime mates are more similar than you thought? Or not?
Are you surprised by the positive qualities you’ve looked for in a partner? How about the negative ones?

Share your findings in the comments below. You don’t have to get into details, or anything, unless of course, you really want to. 😉

This Blog Post Is Part Of A Series

If you loved this blog post, make sure that you have read the prior posts in The Science of Love blog post series and those that are to come.

The Science Blog Post 1:3 Theories For How We’re Initially Attracted to a Potential Partner

The Science Blog Post 2:What Do Your Past Partners Have in Common?

3 Theories For How We’re Initially Attracted To A Potential Partner

Love Seems To Be A Mystery

We all know that millions of questions come up when it comes to love.

Does he like me?
Why am I attracted to her?
Why do I always pick the same type of guy?
Is she someone who I could potentially spend forever with?
Does he love me?
Does he love me not?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

The Science Behind Love

It’s exciting to know that there are scientists interested in researching romantic love.

In recent years, they’ve come up with three theories regarding romantic love. Let’s explore what those are.

Tribute to Scott Dinsmore, Who Graciously Took Life By The Horns and Lived a Joyous and Loving Life

Remember that thanks to this blog I had the opportunity to attend a summit in Portland, Oregon?

Well, I found out on September 16th that last weekend, Scott Dinsmore, the CEO of Live Your Legend, passed away.

He was the generous soul that awarded me with the opportunity to attend Portland. He sent me a personal email to inform me on May 10th. And it was a wonderful Mother’s Day surprise.

So when I was about to post a Happy Birthday to my brother on Facebook on September 16th, whom I had been on the phone with a couple minutes earlier and had had lunch with the day before, and saw a post on my newsfeed that said those infamous words “A Tribute To Scott Dinsmore” I had a flashback to what had happened when I basically saw the same words regarding Wayne Dyer 14 days earlier.

So when I read that he had died after being hit by falling rocks nearing Mt. Kilimanjaro’s summit in Tanzania while climbing with his wife Chelsea, I was in utter compete shock. Denial, really.

Whaaat?

Tell me it’s not true.

No, it can’t be!

No, it isn’t fair!

I can’t believe it.

How? Well I read how, but how could this happen!?

Falling rocks? What are the odds of that!?

At over 19,000 feet?

Oh my gosh, Chelsea!

Whyyyyy?

Where is Scott?

Tell me it’s not true.

I can’t believe it.

But it’s true.

Oh my gosh.

These were some of the thoughts that went through my head.

When I started processing that he passed away I sobbed. This news was like a stab in my heart. Like a literal stab in my heart. My heart truly did hurt.

And amazingly, that’s how many others have described this loss… an aftermath in which there is a hole in one’s heart.

I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Why?

Dr. Wayne Dyer Tribute: Just Some Of The Reasons I Love Wayne So Much

The terrestrial man who has influenced me the most is Dr. Wayne Dyer.

On September 2nd, I found out that he has passed away on August 29, 2015 at the age of 75.

I was truly devastated. 🙁

My husband and I had a “date” to watch our favorite TV show. While I was waiting for him to join me I decided to watch some You Tube videos on our Apple TV.

The first video I watched was a Wayne Dyer video.
The 2nd was a Wayne Dyer video.
And I was scrolling, and all of a sudden I saw a video by Marianne Williamson that said, Marianne Williamson’s Tribute to Wayne Dyer.

My first reaction was simply with the title of the video. I thought to myself, “This better be a tribute that Wayne is getting to know about while he’s living.”

My second thought was “Yeah, hopefully that’s it because I recently wrote a tribute to him… a couple months ago, and he was alive.”

But then I started watching, heard the news of his passing and sobbed. 🙁

I couldn’t believe it, but at the same time, I had a hunch it would happen.

The two authors who are The Most Loving People Of Our Time Award Recipients teach us how to deal with life when life throws us a curveball.

One of the author even teaches us how to inform life that we’re not really into baseball, and we would certainly prefer living a curve-ball free life as much as possible. In the process we’lol discover that sometimes we think other people are the pitcher, when in reality, we are the ones throwing curveballs into our own life.

Let’s meet them!

There Are People Who Create Change, There Are People Who Create Consciousness

As we’re starting to wrap up the features of The Most Loving People Of Our Time recipients, the joy that I feel in sharing these people with you is immense.

These three ladies have been so instrumental in who I am, and I’m sure they’ll be very instrumental in how you see your life and the life of others, if you haven’t yet met them.

They will change your consciousness for the better. Let me show you how and why.

Who Were The Best World Domination Summit 2015 Speakers?

I was right! Ever since I found out that I would have the honor of attending World Domination Summit 2015, I knew that the talks given on the main stage of the Arlene Schnitzer Hall would be my favorite thing out of this whole experience.

Why?

Because I love to be inspired, learn, listen and empathize with others.