In the last science of love post we talked about three theories that could possibly be influencing the initial attraction you feel toward someone.
If you did the Love and Treasure this Moment of Introspection- The Three Love Theories PDF from that prior post, you may have felt that those three theories created by scientists suited you or they didn’t. That is because although there is some truth to them, they don’t tell the whole story about how love really works.
For example, if you stop to think about it, since those theories are so open, one could assume that the number of people that you could potentially fall in love with is in the hundreds. And while yes, there are many fish in the sea, this would mean that if you were put in a ballroom of 100 random guys that you could randomly pick one of them and have that person be the love of your life, which is not likely.
We’re Rooting For Who We Think Is The One And Only
Take me, for example.
I’m flirtatious by nature and I don’t think that there are even 50 people in the world that I could truly, utterly fall in love with. Not 25. Not 10. Etc.
And I’m pretty sure you feel the same. When it comes to love, you are pickier than you realize.
In part, this explains why breakups are soooo painful. You are torn because you want the one person you are losing, not any of the billions of fish in the sea.
So What Do We Do When We Lose Someone?
The three love theories almost imply that after an inevitable loss, you should just catch another fish that could be as attractive, successful, kind or helpful in enhancing your self-image. But nope, you don’t want just any other fish. You are looking for THE ONE. (That’s why the three attraction theories fall a bit short).
It doesn’t matter if you THOUGHT that the two previous relationships HAD led you to the one or not… if your relationships fail, your search for the one continues. You are neeeever searching for “NOT THE ONE.”
How Did You Go About Searching For The One?
Think back on your love life…. you either fell in one of these 4 categories: (not that I want to put you in a box, or anything 😉 )
1) You had lots of boyfriends /girlfriends (you were an experimenter)
2) You had a few boyfriends/girlfriends (you were a dabbler)
3) You had no prior boyfriend/girlfriend until you met your current partner (you were a once-in-a-lifetime romantic… maybe by choice, maybe by circumstance)
4) Or you haven’t had a boyfriend/girlfriend YET (you’re a hopeful and that’s great because if there’s anything we should have hope in, it’s love, there is noooo better thing to wish for, wait for and start giving yourself now through self-love because loving yourself is attractive to others).
So How Many Contenders Did You Find? REEEAALLLY?
Regardless of your situation, no matter how many partners you had, if you’re really, really, really honest with yourself there have only been a few contenders for lifetime partners in your life. Probably, around 2 or 3.
- The one who got away (usually the secret crusssshhh)
- The one with whom the timing wasn’t right and
- The one that you ended up marrying or entering a committed relationship with.
Of course, not everybody has the same, exact experience, but the point is, regardless of whether you were an experimenter, a dabbler, a once-in-a-lifetime romantic or a hopeful, you were/are looking for someone quite specific that made/will make you say “ahhhaaaaa!!!” the moment you get to truly know them because you see them as someone special, someone different and someone familiar (we’ll get into the importance of these details later).
The point is, until you find him/her, you are in perpetual search for THE One. That’s your goal. (Unless of course, you just want to be a “playa” (player) but you probably wouldn’t be reading this Love and Treasure blog if you were.)
So What Are You Looking For In The One?
I don’t know, you tell me.
But really, I’ll tell you what you’re looking for in a nutshell, you’re looking for a unique set of characteristics that only your subconscious brains can identify. (That is, they were subconscious up until now that you’re putting conscious effort to dig up what those characteristics might be.)
You wanna know something surprising?
All the people who’ve you’ve seriously considered as mates are more similar than you realize.
AND they hold a HUUUGGGE clue as to what you’re looking for.
I hate to break it to you, buuuutttt what you’re looking for is a combination of positive characteristics and negative characteristics.
You may be asking, “Huhhh?? Negative characteristics?! Why would I want negative characteristics?”
It doesn’t make sense, right?
Who would EVER want to select a romantic partner based on negative characteristics?
Apparently, we all do.
Oh, and before you think that it was me who did it, it was actually Dr. Harville Hendrixs who identified that if we stopped to really take a good look at our partners, or at our wish-they-were partners, we would discover that they’re more similar that we thought. Dr. Hendrixs is a relationship therapist that has been practicing for 40 years. (40 years!!!)
Let’s see what positive and negative characteristics you look for and if the people who’ve you’ve honest-to-goodness considered as a lifetime mate are similar as they’re said to be.
Go ahead and download the Love-and-Treasure-This-Moment-of-Introspection-What-Do-Your-Past-Partners-Have-In-Common PDF and take a moment to really reflect on your previous partners. This information will come in handy in the next post and in your life in general.
Now It’s Your Turn
- So, how did your Love-and-Treasure-This-Moment-of-Introspection-What-Do-Your-Past-Partners-Have-In-Common PDF activity go?
- Did you confirm whether or not the people who you honest-to-goodness considered as lifetime mates are more similar than you thought? Or not?
- Are you surprised by the positive qualities you’ve looked for in a partner? How about the negative ones?
Share your findings in the comments below. You don’t have to get into details, or anything, unless of course, you really want to. 😉
This Blog Post Is Part Of A Series
If you loved this blog post, make sure that you have read the prior posts in The Science of Love blog post series and those that are to come.
The Science Blog Post 1:3 Theories For How We’re Initially Attracted to a Potential Partner
The Science Blog Post 2:What Do Your Past Partners Have in Common?