There are many things that the pandemic opened our eyes to such as:
Who has empathy and who doesn’t
Who is willing to sacrifice to protect their kids from the virus and who isn’t
How much we care about the people who are immunocompromised
How much we care about ourselves and are willing to protect ourselves from the pandemic
How fast we can learn lessons about life, loss, selfishness and genuine care for others and science
Who the people around us really are
And the list could go on and on and on
Buuuuut there is ONE thing that (other than the loss of life of our loved ones from this pandemic) hurts THE MOST and that is realizing how insignificant we are to people who we thought for months, years and decades that were our friends.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a couple of people who communicated with me in 2019 but haven’t written or called me in 2020, 2021 and 2022.
And having talked to other people who also experienced this phenomenon, I know I’m not the only one. And chances are high that you’ve experienced this, too.
So today I want to share with you 3 ways to grieve a wonderful friendship that was and no longer is and reduce the hurt you feel every time you think about those ex-friends who don’t remember that you even exist anymore.
I know what you’re thinking “I could have died during the pandemic and they wouldn’t know.”
Exactly!
That’s my point!
That’s something I’ve also thought and it hurts like hell.
And I know how ironic it is that some of those people would be people whom we have wished were at our funeral when we die (before any of us ever experienced a global pandemic).
And the fact that they are so uninterested in whether you’re even alive or not is a little bit humorous but painful.
Usually scrolling through social media can be a waste of time.
However, this morning I heard something on social media that made me say! Yes!!! Finally, someone gets it!
And that someone is Simon Sinek…. who happens to have given the 3rd most-watched Ted-Talk Ever.
He externalized what I’ve been thinking all along, but I have felt unsafe to say out loud.
Essentially, he said that self-confidence is not what people think it is.
When you tell someone to improve upon their self-confidence, everybody thinks that you’re essentially asking them to go within and work on something inside themselves so that they’re more confident.
Yet, asking them to go within… is asking them to go in the wrong direction. Because the irony about self-confidence is that in order to increase it… the more natural place to look is OUTSIDE ourselves and to the people who are part of our life.
Simon Sinek says that self-confidence is not a battery that you by yourself can charge and all of a sudden be self-confident.
He is basically saying that self-confidence is like a battery that is charged… but it’s by OTHER people.
The example he gave is that when you are a kid, your self-confidence doesn’t go from 0 to something. It is merely a reflection of the approval that other adults and people in your life give you.
If you have parents who praise you, support and love you as unconditionally as possible… then your self-confidence will blossom. Knowing that other people are happy with what you’re doing makes you want to continue doing that thing.
Throughout his work, Simon Sinek emphasizes the importance of community… and this novel concept of seeing self-confidence this way makes SO much sense.
But in order to have more self-confidence, one can argue that the world needs to be better educated about what self-confidence is, especially men.
My OwnStruggle With Self-Confidence
Throughout my life, I have struggled with self-confidence. Both with the word and with actually having it.
The people around me and even the experts would emphasize the importance of being able to just go from lacking it to having it… but it’s not something that I could create at will… 99.9% of the time.
But I know what self-confidence is. I’ve felt it.
From birth up to age five, I was beaming with self-confidence because I was surrounded by parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and even my parents’ friends who couldn’t get over the cute things I would say and do. I had what people would call charisma.
But then… after a couple of shifts in my life… I started losing my self-confidence from that point until after I graduated from college.
Before listening to Simon Sinek… I would have continued to think what I’ve thought for all these years and that is:
“What is WRONG with me?! Why can’t I get this self-confidence thing down?”
Now it gives me a bit of relief to know that it isn’t 100% my fault that my self-confidence reservoir is as empty as it is.
Simon Sinek’s words aren’t an excuse for me to throw my hands up in the air and just blame other people.
But at least it’s comforting to know that I do have more of an uphill battle than other people do when it comes to self-confidence.
Do Not Mix Up Resilience With Self-Confidence
It’s important NOT to assume that just because I didn’t have any self-confidence from age five until age 23 that I didn’t accomplish great things.
I did.
And I’m a hard worker, a workaholic, really. A dreamer and an achiever.
I may not get everything in life that I want to get but at the very least, I WILL die trying.
Resilience is that magical power that has gotten me through the tough times.
When Were You Self– Confident?
Can I make a confession?
I knew that I had struggled BIG-TIME with self-confidence but I never fully understood why… and I CERTAINLY NEVER counted how many years I wasted lacking self-confidence.
For me, it was 18 years. I had to pause after typing that last sentence to really soak it in. And it still hasn’t fully. It’s impactful. Anyway, back to you.
How long have YOU lacked self-confidence?
Most importantly, when did you get it back?
Was it when you started doing something meaningful in your life, in your self-development, in your volunteering or when you were surrounded by people who looked up to you?
For most of us, our greatest degree of self-confidence comes when we feel like we’re truly contributing to our household, to a workplace or to society.
It’s not that we’re not capable of doing great things. It’s just that we’re doubtful pretty much every step of the way and it would be nice if we could have some reassurance at some point.
After 23, my self-confidence has been a thing that goes up and down. Now it’s clearer than ever to see why.
We all go through different stages in life and it’s not always possible to be everything to everyone so that they praise you and therefore boost your self-confidence.
Validate Your OWN Feelings
Part of the reason why we lack the bit of self-confidence we can produce is that we aren’t the audience to ourselves that we can be.
we numb with business, social media, projects, food to not allow us to feel what we feel.
I feel so ______________.
Whatever that is for you, it’s okay.
You don’t have to change those feelings. You don’t have to feel ashamed of those feelings. You simply can just acknowledge them.
And have a good cry if you need to.
Who Chips Away At Your Self-Confidence?
If, as Simon Sinek says, people around you GIVE you confidence, it’s also important to know who takes it away from you.
Not to blame… but to be extra, extra cautious around those people.
I’m sure you know who they are… but in case you don’t…
Want a super-easy way to spot them? Yeah, like the plural version of them?
What is your love language?
Meaning what makes you feel MOST loved?
Words of Affirmation
Gifts
Acts of Service
Quality Time
Physical Touch
The person who is chipping away at your self-confidence is … giving you the opposite.
For example, if your love language is:
Words of Affirmation— they’re insulting you and using the nastiest words that anybody in your life is giving TO you. Not about your mistakes or actions but about your being.
Gifts- Gifts? What gifts?
Acts of Service- Umm yeah, they do some things for you, but nothing exciting. Nothing meaningful. Not even something basic. They CERTAINLY don’t reciprocate all of the things you do for them. If they do… it’s only about 10% of the things you do for them, MAX.
Quality Time- You’re the one who initiates quality time with them. They can live happily ever after without you. And making you feel bad is one way that they get more quality time.
Physical Touch- It’s few and far between… if it exists at all. And if they’re messing up in other areas… maybe you don’t even want physical touch.
So were you able to spot them?
What Is Self-Confidence Anyway?
If I were to ask you what is self-confidence… your answer will vary GREATLY from the ten other people I ask.
The reason for this is that self-confidence is an umbrella term that encompasses many other terms that we associate with self-confidence. Some of them are:
strong
trusting oneself
appreciating one’s value
Positive
Optimistic
Like they can rule the world.
Believe in our word, our value and ourselves
strong presence
It’s not easy to feel like:
Valued when you’re not heard
Heard when you receive no meaningful responses and you might as well be talking to the wall
You have friends when you’re always the one that needs to contact them
Your friends value you when they only answer what you ask them but they’re not interested enough to ask you any questions including asking you how you are
Beautiful when nobody compliments you
Strong when nobody supports you
Important when washing a dirty spoon is more urgent to the person you’re talking to
Optimistic when everybody doubts you
Positive when other people drag their feet to participate in the positive activities you suggest… and Heaven knows that you reaching your dreams doesn’t make them happy at all… but they don’t have any lofty dreams of their own.
So as you can see self-confidence is like a whole bunch of disconnected gears that kind of want to work together in this big machinery called this world. Self-confidence is complicated. It’s inconsistent.
“Self-Confidence is a projection. And how bright it is depends on the light that others in our life transmit to us.”
You’ve heard of the phrase “fake it till you make it.” And if you come from a background that’s so in shambles… that you’ve been faking that your life is everything BUT shambles for most of your life… then faking self-confidence DOESN’T have the same power. Because you’re using your faking juice for many other things in life. Or maybe you just plain and simple ran out of juice. Or don’t want to fake one other damn thing.
So whenever other people say what the unkind things they say about you to your face and otherwise… let them talk. They CLEARLY don’t have the empathy to imagine standing in your shoes and feel the way you do. Besides, empathy is more important than self-confidence… so if you have empathy, you’re golden.
Self-Confidence Has Been Made Out To Be More Important Than It Needs To Be
Some people have finished their cup of self-confidence and they’re VERY gung-ho about it.
If you’re reading this and you’re disagreeing that other people influence your self-confidence… well… (excuse me while I move my lips from side to side)… all I can say is good for you.
If you’re one of the people who were born with the ability to self-charge their own battery and can be at 100% self-confident… awesome.
Really. It’s so cool you can do that.
But not everybody can.
And if you really think you can be self-confident without ANY other input, validation or hurray… you should write a book about it or make an online course. Many people could apparently benefit.
So What Should You Do If You Lack Self-Confidence?
Look.
You got dealt the people around you you got dealt.
You can’t turn back the hands of time and swap people around.
Soooo… I have two things to offer you as advice regarding what to do if you lack self-confidence.
1) As Nike’s motto SO often is SO valuable I’m gonna tell you… “Just DO IT!” Pursue your dreams like if self-confidence didn’t mean a thing, had no weight and didn’t even EXIST.
You and I know it does exist… but for those of us who struggle with it… the lack of self-confidence can feel like a shackle holding it back.
The wonderful thing is, though, you’ve gotten to where you are in life even without a daily dose of self-esteem. That means that you can get even further in life without it.
“Self-esteem is nice to have, but as you’ve proven to yourself, it’s not actually vital.”
Try to convince yourself that you’re going to do what you want to do WITH or WITHOUT self-esteem.
Stop making self-esteem your why you move forward or why you don’t.
Make the benefit of doing what you want to do your driving force.
If you can and have to switch out the world self-esteem for self-motivation.
“The strength of your self-esteem depends on the response of others. The strength of your motivation depends on you.”
2) Even if we minimize the role that self-esteem plays in our life…. to almost nothing… for your sanity, happiness and just joy of living… do this: Be less tolerant of the BS.
For you, it might mean that you make other snarky remarks from other people just slide.
Or it may mean something else.
Whatever it is, you aren’t someone else’s trash can. So don’t let them feed you B.S..
If the person in your life isn’t going to be someone who helps increase your self-esteem then they certainly shouldn’t be the ones who take the self-esteem that you have left away from you.
What Makes Me The Most Upset About Self-Confidence
Most successful women in the world have a veeeeeery solid relationships.
Like the kind that movies are made of. Where privately nobody in the world could love and support them more than their current spouses. It’s like a perfect match. And it’s actually a match made in Heaven.
So if Heaven created that relationship for them… why didn’t Heaven create a relationship like that for everybody?
Oh, I see, it’s another form of injustice right? Or maybe it’s a form of settling. Or craving attention from the missing figures in our own life.
This Is The Gist
Yesterday I had this aha moment:
“The reason why more men are further ahead in life is because there are more women that support men than men who support women.”
Ladies, it’s not that they’re better than. No. That’s not it.
It’s that you, I, your mother, your aunt, your grandmother, your sister, your female friend and coworker, the old lady from the Italian hillside, to the new mom in New York is willing to put themselves last again and again to support little boys (and little girls).
And little girls grow up to care for others… but little boys? Not so much…. unless you really, really train them to do at least the little things, like say:
“Good morning” when you see each other in the morning.
“Bless you.” when you sneeze
“Are you okay?” when you hurt yourself.
“Do you need help?” when they see you struggling.
“Goodnight” when you go to bed.
This is empathy 101. This is very basic human decency. But at least it’s something.
So ladies… when you question why the world is tipped in the favor of men. You know the reason. It’s THANKS to females like YOU.
Without you, even a simple cold could wipe them out.
Men Show You Who They Are Every. Single. Day
Maya Angelou famously said,
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
And yet most of the time, we’re so loving… we are so wired to want to see the good in others and be so quick to support them… that we dismiss the proof that men give us regarding what their personality is like.
If they don’t say bless you because you sneeze four times and they don’t have time to wait until you’re done sneezing to say bless you, they’re showing you who they are.
If they pretend that you didn’t remind them of ______, or said ______ because they want to justify not doing a favor for you, they’re showing you who they are.
If they let you talk and talk and not say anything but a sentence fragment or a word here or there… they’re showing you who they are.
Often, we are so needy of getting a specific quality in our life… that we want to insert a specific quality we’re craving into one of the people we most value in our life… as if it were a computer chip. It doesn’t work that way.
Men, and people, in general, should be decent not because you ask them, but because it’s the decent thing to do.
The Ripple Effect
Some men. have an issue with female-empowerment.
They think that keeping women feeling small and playing small is a win for them.
They certainly don’t believe that women are superior to them in ANY way… and they don’t believe that women are even their equals.
They may not verbalize it… but their actions and treatment towards you show it.
And that’s unfortunate, but what’s even MORE unfortunate is that they don’t realize that by willingly withholding your empowerment… by making you basically feel like crap… your ability to mother your guy’s children is negatively affected. And since your children lacking all the presence, love, and full-minded attention that you could be giving them if you had a more supportive relationship because you feel incomplete, broken or less than, your negatively (without wanting to) affecting their childhood… and then when they grow up and have children, the childhood you unwittingly affected … will make them be less capable parents than they would be if you, right now, were able to TRULY give them your parenting All.
That’s the ripple effect. They are not holding women back… they’re holding their children back. Their community back… and the world back. For decades and centuries.
If they only knew that they could really help change the world for the better by simply being more present, more kind, more receptive, more empathetic and more loving.
Their coldness is not helping anyone. It’s not helping anything… except maybe their advancement in life… which will feel pretty less important if they had no women to share that experience with or to brag to.
Simon Sinek’s Solution To Self-Confidence and Life
But don’t worry, there is an easier and more philanthropic way of boosting your self-confidence.
Intuitively I know this, and you probably do too, but we hadn’t put it into words.
And that is, that in order to boost your confidence you actually have to focus on serving.
The word “confidence” starts with “co-” like comingle, conspire, codependency… etc. all those words imply that there is more than one person involved.
The “fid” part of the word usually means to trust.
So if you want to feel like what you have to contribute (also another word that starts with co-)… you have to help others out of the kindness of your heart.
In this conversation, Simon Sinek introduces a concept known as the infinite game.
And in it, he teaches us that life is an infinite game. That there are no winners or losers. Simply people who are ahead of us and who are behind us.
And in order to “win” this game (which there aren’t any specific predetermined times to play, rules for, or even pre-specified goal)… you don’t have to beat someone else… you just have to outlast them.
Don’t be jealous of people who have that shiny thing called self-confidence. Don’t be jealous of men who think they’ve dominated the game with our help or of women who have a magnificent husband that probably understands that it is an infinite game and that it’s okay for women to be empowered after all. Instead, use your energy to motivate yourself and for once go after what you really, really want.
There’s something amazing about being able to live one more year.
Regardless of whether last year was great for you or not, what we can ALL agree on is that this year, 2019 CAN be a better year than last year.
And if you’re already starting to doubt that it CAN be a better year, watch it! 😉
How great 2019 is, LARGELY depends on your attitude, so keep it in check.
My Top 2018 Lessons
A lot of people have published their review of 2018 and shared their New Year’s resolutions for 2019. I want to go beyond that.
Today, I want to share with you 5 lessons that I learned in 2018 that can help YOU squeeze out the most goodness in 2019. To make it more positive. And to allow you to have the most amount of joy.
Lesson 1: Despite The Challenges You Made It To The End Of Last Year And The Beginning Of The New Year
That ☝️ in and of itself is a blessing.
We can simply start from that frame of mind, and suddenly, things become more positive.
Last year may or may not have been the perfect year, but you’re here. Alive. Today. In a country, with internet, on a device that you were able to purchase because of everything that you have to contribute to the world via your talents and skills. Or if you were gifted your device, you had/have someone in your life who was this generous or who has a good job that allows you to have a device to read this blog on.
Hello Love and Treasure Community, I have a special treat for you. Here is a guest blog post by Denise Duffield-Thomas, author of two amazing books that will help you remove the obstacles that you have surrounding money, who will help you answer: Could Your “Money” Personality Be Sabotaging You?
It’s hard to love and treasure the most important things in life when you have money worrying you in the back of your mind.
Hope you enjoy it. =)
And at the end, I highly suggest that you take her quiz so that you know what your money personality is. This will help you see what aspects of your money personality are positive and what aspects you can tweak to be even more abundant in every sense of the word.
You know the feeling you get when you do “that thing” around money AGAIN?
Spend wildly on a new extravagance even though bills are due…
Hoard every penny even though you really want to splurge on a vacation…
Forgo a spa treatment because your daughter really wants that new pair of designer jeans…
Whatever you do with money, I bet you don’t just do it once. Most of us have habits with money — some of which serve us, and some which definitely do not.
So we do “that thing” again, and inside we feel unhappy. It’s not that we don’t want to treat ourselves, or save up money, or buy our loved ones special gifts.
It’s just that we feel like we’re making money decisions on autopilot. Like we’re not in control of the situation, and we’re not so sure we’re crazy about the results of our actions.
Well, what if I told you that you have a unique “money DNA” which is where those habits come from?
Even better, what if I told you that you could “crack the code” on your money DNA and start to leverage your money strengths, while compensating for your weaknesses — so you could stop repeating that same old money story and start living a new one?
As a creative and a writer, I recognize the immense importance that creativity plays in our early years and throughout our life.
But, if we stop to really ask ourselves how comfortable we are with creativity, most of us would agree that creativity is an uncomfortable process.
We think that in order to engage in creative tasks, we must prune our insecurities and deliver just the fruit.
But, it’s an oxymoron to think like that because:
“Creativity and insecurity go hand in hand.”
Don’t believe me?
Just think about it for just a second.
If I were to wave my magic wand (or A magic wand… I don’t have one, but it would be nice)… and grant you the ability to do the creative task that appeals to you THE MOST.
What creative task would you want to do?
Writing a book?
Writing a blog?
Watercoloring?
Cupcake decorating?
Sewing?
Card making?
Jewelry making?
Oh I know… singing?
Dancing?
All of the above?
It really doesn’t matter if the creative task that you’d like to do is in the list or if I failed to include it.
The following question is much more important:
WHAT is keeping you from engaging in this art?
Think about it for a moment. Listen to your internal dialogue and then tell me what your “inner you” told your “outer you.”
In a world filled with too much information and too many products, it’s difficult to choose. So, what do we do? We read reviews, such as those on Amazon and we ask for recommendations from people who are in a similar situation as us. So if you’re wondering what preschool curriculum you should choose, here are 10 reasons why you’ll love Mother Goose Time.
12 Reasons Why You’ll Love Mother Goose Time
Reason #1: You Get To Make Your Child A Priority
We have way too many things to fill our day with.
It doesn’t matter if you stretch your days horizontally and wake up earlier and go to bed later… you’ll always have more to do.
It also doesn’t matter if you stretch your days vertically and work every weekend and weekday, you still probably won’t have enough time to do all that you want to do.
So, I have a tip for you that I often have to remind myself of:
“Instead of thinking of the million different reasons why you can’t spend more time with your child, make it your #1 daily goal to actually spend time with your child.” – Haydee Montemayor
Before I attempt to say anything…. I just want to hold your hand through time and space, squeeze it and tell you that I know how you’re feeling.
If you’re part of my community, it is highly likely that you were hoping that the outcome of this week’s election was one of peace, hope….and love.
Turns out, it was one of shock, desolation and hate for MORE THAN HALF the country.
For the past couple of days, I have been hibernating emotionally.
Hopefully, you have also been doing what you have to do to find your footing once again. To feel more grounded with each passing day. But If you’re on the floor still and need a bit more time to process this all, go ahead. Take your time.
How I’ve Been Coping, Which Is a Actually NOT The Best Way To Do So
Even though words are my thing, I have said little to very few people. I Whatsapped a friend. Talked to my mom over the phone . FB messages two other friends and my brother. Instagrammed an acquaintance. But I haven’t talked to anyone face to face about it. And it’s felt lonely.
And I think that’s how we feel with our emotions.
Alone.
Torn.
Uncertain.
Like we put all our hope, all our will and all our might for this result to be a positive one and we were cheated of the win. To say that we were blind-sighted is an understatement.
So now, what we’re really left with is suspicion.
Of who we can trust.
Of who’s on “our side.”
Of who’s open to love.
Of what’s gonna happen.
Of whether we should have faith.
Of whether we even have any faith left to cling on to.
What I Learned Really Matters From This Election
Even though words are my thing, it’s almost like there are no words to process this all. And it’s only through really digging deep within ourselves that we can find some answers and make a teeny-tiny little bit of sense of this situation.
I get that there are changes that the political establishment needs. I really do.
But what’s surprising is that it seems like America snapped and demanded change instead of politely asking for it. And yes, I also understand that maybe politeness in a tense time like these is the last thing you think of. But man! We don’t have to be savages when wanting our voices to be heard, right?
“Our desire to be heard shouldn’t have to inflict hurt on others.” – Haydee Montemayor
Ironically, I think that the best thing we got out of this election is actually several things:
The notion that we have to be more strategic about how we communicate not only as citizens, but in our own relationships.
Waiting until we snap….is not the best way to communicate.
Insulting isn’t either.
Nor is marginalizing.
Nor is it minimizing.
Nor is it making fun of one another.
Nor is not taking people who pose a potential danger seriously.
Because when we ignore these things. we run the risk of letting hate win instead of tolerance, unity, acceptable and love.
So What Did You Learn?
As you can see, processing this ordeal takes courage.
We need to come to terms with our hurt, how we communicate it and our hope.
“Before we can state our hopes, we need to process our hurts.” -Haydee Montemayor
In large part, we will have less hurts if we learn how to communicate better.
So let’s explore what’s going on inside of you.
Look Within
Before we blame others (which is VERY tempting, especially if you’re in the losing side of this election) ask yourself:
What didn’t YOU do?
In what way did your communication fail?
The 11 Biggest Lessons From The Election Results That I Learned Regarding Communication
1) For me, I wish this blog, Love and Treasure, could have reached more people than it has and be more than it is. Since I created Love and Treasure, I knew that love was a topic that deserved and needed the spotlight. And yet, sometimes, I admit that I was worried that everything I wanted to say about this topic would feel cheesy. So I held back a little. Actually, a lot.
2) Several months ago, I had the “grandiose” idea of wanting to ask more famous people and famous entrepreneurs to voice their political preference as a way of convincing more people to vote for love, not hate. But I didn’t ask them. Why? Because I thought that I would be an inconvenience and I assumed people were smart, and could see through the candidate that was trying to con them.
3) I created a meme about this election that I didn’t promote enough because I didn’t want to be “in your face” about this issue and because at that time, I was a little afraid to speak up more than I did and more than I could have.
4) As Oprah says, what we focus on expands.
Ummm, yep.
I always had a feeling that we were focusing way too much on the guy that we didn’t want instead of the Madame we did.
I was guilty of this too.
It was fascinated and even mesmerized to see the ineptitude of the guy we didn’t want … and to see how popular he was.
It was, and unfortunately is, a very bizarre phenomenon of luring a moth to a flame that I still can’t quite get my head around.
For more information on how it literally all went down, I suggest that you reconsider what media you watch. I loved watching an independent news show called The Young Turks because these guys really DO bravely (not cowardly) tell it like it is… about all of the candidates, and about the issues that most deserve our attention. You should check them out!
But I’ve learned that next time, I should focus mostly on what I DO want and be more proactive about sharing my reasoning for moving TOWARD something instead of against it.
5) Almost after every election someone comments that there should be an amendment to the electoral college.
That’s an understatement, to say the least.
Too late now, right?
Well, yes. At least for this time around.
6) “Just like being a witness to generosity, brings joy to the heart, being a witness to insults should make you more empathetic.” -Haydee Montemayor
We don’t have to be a woman, a Jew, Muslim, a Mexican, disabled, gay or ugly to know that an insult to one of us impacts the rest of us.
7) Words written in The Constitution matter.
8) What we say we endorse or disavow reflects on us.
9) Education matters
“Ignorance is the root of many things, especially the disassociation of that which is really sacred, such as our essence and our heart.” -Haydee Montemayor
Said another way,
“Ignorance is the antithesis of the ever-increasing potential of the wisdom of the heart.” -Haydee Montemayor
10) “The labels we so cowardly put on others are often what we are ourselves. ” -Haydee Montemayor
For example, if we call somebody “crooked, ” we are projecting that we ourselves are crooked.
The same goes for “dishonest.”
The same for “liar.”
You can truthfully describe someone. But if you repeat the descriptive word again and again and again, without concrete evidence that you can use as unbiased examples for why you’re calling someone that name….then guess what? You’re not telling the truth about other people, you’re simply projecting what you think they are.
It’s like we’re taking our dirty little secret, the characteristic we hard the most about ourselves and momentarily saying to the world, “I’m not ____, THEY are.”
And in the end, when we do this, we do one of two things.
1) We only fool ourselves OR
2) we attract other fools who have this same issue with themselves to make our projection a little bigger and to think that our way of seeing the world is our absolute truth.
But in the end, repeating our projection more and more doesn’t make it a truth, it’s just makes it a more annoying projection.
11) And perhaps my favorite lesson is that words of gratitude matter. It is beautiful to watch Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Barrack Obama do so much for the people. To truly become invested in their well-being. And we owe so much to them. And a thank you may not seem enough for everything they’ve done, but it’s much better than nothing.
So as you live through the many stages of grief, which if you’re like me… Aren’t sequential but all over the place…. Ask yourself: What did you learn about your communication and communication in general?
If You’re Scared To Look Within, Listen From An Answer From Within
If you’re in a state of shock so big that you haven’t really been able to process what the beep just happened… try this:
Ask yourself:
What Does My Soul Want To Say?
In my case, it pisses me off when the bad guy wins.
Like….ARGHHHHHH!
Like what the hell?!
I’m all for the underdog winning, not the dog.
So What Does Your Soul Want To Say?
Listen to your soul.
Resist the temptation to sensor it.
Simply listen to what is wanting to come through you.
And once you’re ready, talk to whomever has earned the right to hear your story.
And communicate.
Really!
“Communicate because words are the way we make sense of the world.” – Haydee Montemayor
Communication is your way out of the fog you may feel. Even if you’re only communicating with yourself.
Rip The Bandage Off, If You Need To And When You’re Ready
If your soul is still resistant to speak up. Ask yourself:
What Hurts The Most About What Just Happened?
In my case, the result is pretty bad in and of itself. Having to explain it to my son… is just too much! I haven’t had the heart to do it. Just the notion that he lives in a world where this could be happening made it very difficult for me to want to get up on November 9th.
Trying to make sense of all of this as an adult… is super hard. Trying to explain it to a little one… seems almost impossible. This is really messed up.
Another thing that hurts me quite a bit is this:
I’m sure that people on both the winning side and the losing side have lost in the past.
“Losing sucks. Losing unfairly sucks big time.” -Haydee Montemayor
You know what I mean?
If the electoral college really gave the ultimate victory (which it hasn’t voted on and will do so until December 19, 2016), to whoever got the greatest number of votes, then justice would be made.
But instead, we’ve decided to play Bingo and grant the victory not to the person that actually filled most squares of the card, but to the person who filled in the least number of fields. Like helloooooo?!
Who DOES that?!
Apparently, we do.
And unfortunately, we do this more times than they’re acceptable.
Or fair. Or just.
Let me explain. Since the beginning of this century… This “phenomenon” of putting the losing candidate into the White House has happened twice in 5 elections.
So Let’s Do Some Math, Shall We?
2 divided into 5….is 40%
That means, that the people of the U.S. get a leader that we DON’T vote for 40% of the time!
That’s outrageous! Insane! Shitty! Totally, Absolutely and Painfully Unfair!
Yes, of course there are way more years to the century (if we all survive that long, know what I mean? Wink, wink) … But STILL!! Being stuck with someone who you didn’t choose for the second time in just a little over a decade and a half is unimaginable… Preposterous.
So it’s no wonder that we’re hurting!
How this can happen in a “so-called” democracy beats me! Yes, I know that the electoral votes are the cause behind this, but as it’s REALLY clear, that electoral college system is archaic. It was used as a safeguard that no longer applies. And that quite honestly, reduces the value of the vote.
For example… why should someone’s vote in New York be less important than someone’s vote in Oregon? People who live in large cities or crowded states already compete for and literally pay the price for living there. They shouldn’t be cheated out of having their vote be worth less. They shouldn’t have to compete for the value of their vote.
So yep, the electoral college should be removed. And when it is, the value of someone filling out the space on a BINGO card, will be exactly the same value as someone else filling in another BINGO card.
That, is called fairness.
We all need an even playing field . Whether were women, men, someone voting for the 8th time or the 1st time regardless of where we live, what our race is or what our socio-economic status is.
So, on the brink of doubting what freedoms you have still and what you can control, take advantage of the fact that you still have the chance to feel and the chance to express your emotions. You still have the chance to connect with yourself. And to extend your hand to someone else who might be needing you to reach out, squeeze their hand and help them heal.
Now It’s Your Turn
In the comments below, share with us what your biggest takeaways were from this election. In times like these, like in every “so-called” failure, we can make the “failure” a little less of a “failure” by asking ourselves what we learned and applying those lessons in the future.
Are you wanting to breastfeed but are telling yourself what is probably the number one excuse we ALL use, (that I really shouldn’t have to tell you because you know it already) which is, “I don’t have time” to breastfeed.
When it comes to breastfeeding, “I don’t have time,” can mean three things.
It can mean that:
1) There so many doubts and hangups that you have about breastfeeding that you FEEL like you don’t have the time to figure out how to breastfeed, why to breastfeed, when to breastfeed, how often to breastfeed and everything else that breastfeeding entails. And don’t worry, I totally get it that that’s a lot of information.
2) You are a busy person and literally don’t know when you’ll be able to squeeze in the time to breastfeed.
3) You’re just using the phrase as an excuse.
So Now That You Know What’s Holding You Back In Your Breastfeeding, What Are You Gonna Do About It?
The good news is that when you use the “I don’t have time” excuse for any of the reasons mentioned above, you can actually test these the reasons/excuses by asking yourself a simple question that author of The Work, Byron Katie asks and that is “Is it true?” If you say yes, then you ask yourself her second question, which is, “Can you be absolutely know that it’s true?” Or you can take my shortcut and just ask yourself.. “Is that really true?”
Women, in general, seem to like comparing themselves to other women. I don’t know if we do it because we really CARE if we’re ahead of the rest of the women or not OR because we have SO many insecurities about ourselves that we just want to confirm that we’re not the worst player on the team.
But the fact that we want to run, run , run as fast as we can, turn back and say, “you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread gal” is a huge indication that we shouldn’t be wishing to get ahead just for the sake of getting ahead. That wishing to get ahead without a real focus on what TRULY matters is all mental games. And that instead of focusing our attention sideways to see if anybody is “caught up to us” or behind us or in front of us, when it comes to breastfeeding, we should pause, look down at our baby and re-engage with WHY we’re breastfeeding in the first place. We’re breastfeeding not to compare to other women. We’re breastfeeding to offer the best of ourselves to our baby.
What’s The Main Hesitation About Breastfeeding That You Need To Get Over?
I know that it SEEMS that some women have it “easy” when it comes to breastfeeding.
And you may THINK that you don’t have it easy or won’t have it easy.
Let me just pull back the curtain for you and reveal an important truth that I would REALLY like for you to TRULY process:
Out of ALL the breastfeeding women I know, NOBODY has had a 100% perfect breastfeeding experience.
Like NO-BO-DY .
Yet, many women have gone on to breastfeed for yeeeeears.
What Do You Need To Shift In Order To Get Over The Fact That Breastfeed Isn’t Easy?
Do you know what the difference between the women who breastfeed for years and those who don’t even breastfeed for 6 months is?
Breastfeeding is one of those topics where introducing it to someone won’t be enough or as “satisfactory” as it would be if you were getting an introductory overview of another topic.
You see, in order to understand breastfeeding, you have to actually DO IT.
What Is Required For You To Really Say You Know What Breastfeeding Is Like?
Before you even start breastfeeding, you need to really have a clear motivation for DOING IT and for CONTINUING TO DO IT. In other words, you need to commit to breastfeeding by remember who you’re breastfeeding for.
Obviously, you’re committing to breastfeeding for your baby’s wellbeing.
“Breastfeeding is no walk in the park. But you know what? It’s the best red carpet you can roll out for your baby.” – Haydee Montemayor
You need to learn aboutthe breastfeeding process and apply it. Breastfeeding isn’t about theory. It’s about practice.
You need to feel what it feels like to breastfeed.
