What have you needed recently that you haven’t gotten?
Is it possible that what you’re calling a need, is actually a want?
Are you demanding that someone fulfills this want of yours by calling it a need?
Confusing, I know.
Yet we confuse our needs and wants ALL THE TIME.
And let’s be honest, what irritates you the most:
Not having a want met or not having a need met?
A need, right?
Why is that?
Well, for starters, no matter how much you want something, you can always soothe your temptation to have it by remembering that it’s just a want.
On the other hand, if you think something is a need, then you MUST have it. Like yesterday. Or the day before. Or soon, like REALLY soon. And your impatience for not having it tends to grow.
Even if you have a legitimate reason why you don’t have a need now, like for example if you’re saving money to purchase that need, you won’t be at peace until you have fulfilled that need.
Except that mayyyyyybe you aren’t going to be at peace even after that need is fulfilled. Why? Because you’ll already have another need that you need, if that makes sense.
When it comes to the need-get-need-get-need-get cycle…. we have to realize that our “need to need” won’t go away (even monks and nuns have needs). One day you will need a new pair of socks, next month you may need to replace an appliance that breaks down, you may need to buy a new car next year, and ten years from now, you’ll need new socks. It’s a cycle.
How Can We Manage Our Needs?
So knowing that our needs will be with us till the day we die, we have to do 4 main things in order to be in control of our needs rather than have our needs control us.
We need to:
1) Learn what a need really is. (You think you know what it is, but there’s more to learn).
2) Be able to truly distinguish a need from a want and be mature enough to give our needs a bit more priority.
3) If you have to rely on someone else to fulfill your needs, you must communicate effectively. Period. At the same time, you have to remember that you can only control what you can control and that you should let them control what they truly do need to control.
4) Have a better attitude about not always being able to get our needs met right away.
5) Become more willing to provide ourselves with our needs instead of expecting somebody else to fulfill them for us.
So, What Is A Need?
Answering this question can get tricky because immediately, we can see that if you were to compare notes between your needs and someone else’s needs, that they would be different. (The same applies for wants since each person has their own set of wants).
So in order to try to get as much relativity out of this equation as possible, let me introduce (or most likely re-introduce) you to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
I don’t know about you, but THE moment I saw this pyramid many, many years ago, I feel in LOVE with it. Why? Because I thought to myself, “FINALLY! Someone actually gets what I need!”
The premise of this pyramid is that we all have needs that go from basic needs, such as those that start at the bottom of the pyramid… to more elaborate needs the higher up in the pyramid we go.
This diagram essentially shows that at the base of the pyramid are our very basic needs and that these needs need to be met before we can logically aspire to have the needs in the higher tiers met. (NOTE: We all need these things listed in the physiological category in our life except for sex. For example, kids don’t need it. And adults can choose not to have it and they would still be okay).
For example, when babies are born, they need to be able to breathe well, eat well and hydrate well (their breastmilk or formula is both their food and their water), sleep a lot (at least they should…not that they always do), be okay in and at peace with their environment and they have to pee and poo. And even as adults, we need to be able to have and do these things, for the most part.
But after the basic physiological needs are taken care of, we need safety, then to feel a sense of love and belonging, then esteem, then self-actualization.
The Caveat Behind Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
If you’ve been on this planet for a while, however, you KNOW that there is practically never a moment in your life when every single one of these needs are met all at once.
Would be lovely… glorious even…. but that isn’t how life rolls.
At any given time, there may be one or a handful of things in each category/tier that may be “off.” For example, you can have all of your physiological needs met, but then all of a sudden, you’re laid off, so there goes your feeling of safety.
Or you may have your physiological and safety needs down pat, but you’re not getting along well with your in-laws, or your own family, so your sense of love and belonging isn’t as strong as it could be.
So what this boils down to is that we will always have needs that haven’t been met… perhaps ever, not right now, not lately or not yet.
You Have WAY More Than You Ever Thought
Therefore, while it’s good to know what you NEED, you also have to focus on abundance instead of lack.
For example, instead of fixating on what we don’t have… let’s fixate for a moment on what we do have.
Take at look at even the base of the pyramid…. even many of the poorest people living in the United States right now are richer than many people in the world who live off of less than $2.00 a day. And it’s not the minority of the world who’s in this predicament. It’s 2 billion people. … almost 1/3 of the world. Add to that that 17,000 children on our planet died yesterday, will die today and will die tomorrow of dire starvation…. and all of a sudden your needs and wants are pale in comparison, right.
As sad as it is, the fact that you are living off of more than $2.00 a day and are alive reading this makes you really blessed. It’s even more mind-boggling to know that most of you reading this who have a job and a home are richer than many kings and pharos were. Not necessarily because of the job and the home but because you have among many things, running water, electricity, the experience of having flown on an airplane and a computer that allows you to connect to the world literally right at your fingertips.
Can you believe that?
But wait, there’s more!
If you also live in the United States or in a country that values people’s freedom… isn’t that worth a ton as well? Think about it! How valuable is freedom that when people “behave badly” in our world they’re deprived of it. Freedom is one of the greatest treasures… and for the most part, it’s something that most of us have day in and day out.
WHAT A PRIVILEGE!
The fact that you can express yourself and be you is something that people have lost their lives over, but that can allow you to fully show up in your life.
So you see?
You have it made!
Well, pretty much.
Yeah, there may be that thing you really need or think you need, but other than that, be appreciative of the blessings that are so much part of your every day life that you don’t even notice. Even the hope or the certainty that one day you’ll have that need that you so much aspire to is something to be happy about. It’s one more reason to live.
Keep The Momentum Of The Glass Being Way More Full Than You Expected Going
If you’re lucky to feel that you have everything or most of what you need, continue to cultivate that feeling by focusing on the “little” things… that if you look at them long enough, you’ll notice that they’re big things.
For instance… for a couple of months now, I have been staring at one pair of curtains that I have in my home and just admiring them. They’re pretty, but more than that, they cover one of the biggest windows in my home. A home, which I happen to love. And I simply need to take a look at those windows to remind myself of how blessed I feel to have this home, where I live happily with my loved ones. It’s such a simple thing to focus on… but even writing about it makes me teary-eyed.
And is that curtain a need? Not necessarily, but it is part of the house, it makes me feel more secure and it’s representative of the home that I’ve been able to make of this house.
A NEW Model For Understanding Your Needs
Now that you understand Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, and that you can use that pyramid almost as a mirror that can tell you that you may be feeling a little off or totally in your groove based on how many needs you’re blessed to have checked off at any given moment, I want to introduce to you a different model for understanding your needs.
According to Ayurveda, which is a 5,000-year-old natural healing system based off of India, you have four basic needs.
Tibetan medicine and Traditional Chinese Medicine are rooted in Ayurveda ,which also influenced Greek medicine.
The reason why it’s important to consider this model for understanding your needs is because aside from being a system that treats illnesses, it’s also a science. “Ayur” means life and “veda” means science or knowledge. It’s essentially a body of wisdom that helps people realize their human potential while staying vital. It provides knowledge on diet, routines, the best use of our senses and behavior. It’s underlying premise is that health is the integration of our environment, body, mind and spirit.
Your 4 Ayurvedic needs are:
Material comforts: Otherwise known as Artha
Love and connection: known as Kama
Sense of purpose: which you’ve probably heard as it being referred to as Dharma
And spiritual awakening or liberation: known as Moksha
Right off the bat, you can see that this model is quite similar to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Although it doesn’t break down our needs in as much detail, I do like how it clarifies what the ultimate desire really is…. and that is to fulfill your dharma/purpose and have a spiritual awakening.
It’s important to note that when you are upset, it’s because you feel that one of these needs is either missing or weak in your life.
And when you sense that something is off, you feel uncomfortable.
And when you feel uncomfortable… you don’t relate well to others. It’s possible that you even blame them for your discomfort thinking that the anguish that you’re feeling was somehow created by them.
You can see how people influence your issues in these examples:
If you know that someone doesn’t believe in your career choices and is intervening with your Dharma, you feel it because they don’t let you be who you know deep down you’re meant to be.
When someone treats you poorly, they’re messing with your kama.
Blaming other people isn’t what’s most useful, though.
Whenever you feel sad, mad, anxious, uneasy, etc., you should try to get to the root of the issue by asking yourself:
“What happened, who said, or who did something that is making me feel out of balance?”
You’ll usually find that it’s something someone else said about you, how they reacted regarding something about you, or simply your own limiting beliefs.
When people mess with what you hold dear, you are better able to see what you really want, what you need, what you stand for and what you’re unwilling to give up.
People confronting you or questioning you is like bowling.
They throw the ball towards your needs, which are your own particular convictions in life.
It’s YOUR job to be strong about them.
It’s not your job to control the direction in which they throw the ball.
By standing your ground, you are better able to gain control.
What Can You Do When Someone Pushes Your Pins?
You can acknowledge that something/someone “pushed” you and now you’re a bit wobbly, so to speak through your feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment, anxiety and sorrow
When you feel that you’re wobbly you can ask yourself…
Which Pin or Ayurvedic need did they just take a blow on?
What component of this needs is more affected? Meaning if they hit the love and connection pin, for example, what exactly is making me feel unloved?
No matter what the blow was like use the “yeah, but” strategy. It goes like this: If your main sorrow is
“My family doesn’t care about this side hustle that I’m doing, ” Answer yourself like this: “Yeah, but I have the support of my husband and I believe in the positive impact that I’m having on others that do care.”
In other words, what you want to do is liberate yourself and the person or circumstance that upset you from upsetting you.
By focusing on that which you can control. By having better thoughts, by taking better actions that support yourself, or by facing the circumstance or person head on so that whatever is bothering you goes away.
For example, if you’re married and your spouse has stopped being a loving contributor to your life for years and on the contrary, has been a pest for quite some time and is robbing you of your peace for years now and doesn’t want to seek outside help, you have to address him/her head on and perhaps give them an ultimatum, and if she/he doesn’t give you the love and connection that you need, you’re outta there. In this case, a simple, “He treats me poorly. Yeah, but he really loves me,” doesn’t cut it.
How can you tell?
Because the goal is to feel better…. to have more peace and love than you have indifference and abuse in your life.
Life is too short to be in a place or with someone who rains on your parade every day.
You don’t need that! And they certainly don’t need to be doing that to you, so why the hell are they?
Stand up for yourself and your needs… as long as they’re needs of respectful love, you shouldn’t feel ashamed to do something about them.
What’s The Difference Between A Need And A Want?
After reviewing Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and the 4 Ayurvedic needs, it’s clear that the items listed on both of these models are our needs.
However, as you’ve probably figured out as we were going through them, it’s still not easy to just take a list of these needs and give them to people (or for people to give them to you) and have them be happy, forever, all day, every day.
Because there are variables that influence what action will give someone the most joy.
So, the only way to know is to communicate.
A need may be a need, it’s how we want it that makes the difference in they joy we get out of it… and it whether it crosses the line between a need or a want.
Why we need something can also reveal that what we say is a need is actually a want.
For example, we all need love.
However, how someone is going to get you to feel love is different from how someone is going to get me to feel love.
You may want roses every holiday because it’s y our favorite thing to get. I may want my husband to help me with the chores every day because their company makes the tasks go by faster. If both of us appreciate getting roses or getting help around the house because it boosts our levels of happiness they may be our needs. (After all, there are five love languages).
If, however, you want roses every holiday to show them off on Instagram or I want my husband to help me with the chores because I’m a feminist who thinks that men should do an equal amount of chores or more chores than women do for a change… then you and I aren’t getting a NEED fulfilled… we’re actually getting a want. The intention or why behind getting what we say we need can reveal that it’s really a want.
One big clue to know whether something is a a want is to determine whether you are requesting what you’re requesting because you want to inflate your heart or to inflate your ego.
If it’s for your heart, you experiencing it for the joy that it gives you will be enough.
If it’s to inflate your ego, the experience won’t be enough. You’ll want to brag about it, whine about it, ask more than you got with it, get it because deep down you feel worthless, get it because deep down you feel entitled, etc. You’ll have ulterior motives for getting it.
How Can You Maximize The Likelihood of Getting Your Need (Or Want) Met? One Word: Communication.
As we’ve learned in prior posts, expressing what you want clearly is the best way to increase the likelihood of getting your need met.
You have to communicate expectation, frequency, level of importance, and ideal time to have this expectation fulfilled.
How Can You Effectively Communicate Your Needs
These are the questions you should ask yourself and that most importantly, that you should communicate with others so that they get to know you, what your needs are and how to meet them:
What is it that you need?
How often do you expect this need to be given to you?
In the grand scheme of things, how happy will fulfilling this expectation of yours make you feel in comparison to other expectations?
When is the best time to give you this need?
Why do you need this?
For example, you may love Cold Stone Creamery (which I do) and the Wendy’s Ice Cream Frosties.
Let’s say it’s your birthday. How will people know what ice cream to get you that day?
Answer: It depends on what you clearly communicated to them prior to your birthday.
But will you have time to specify each of these 5 questions for every want and need you’ve ever had?
Nope. Not happening.
What does this mean?
You will be disillusioned.
There will be needs you wont get.
Give Them a Break!
It is unrealistic to expect people to know what your wants are and what your needs are 100% of the time.
Let’s face it, YOU don’t even know what you want or need much of the time.
You REALLY have to be in tune with yourself to know what you want and you REALLY have to be in tune with others to share what you want.
And even if you did have the time to share it all… life is an exchange, not a laundry list for someone else to fulfill for you.
“The problem with our needs is that we confuse them with our wants and then we expect others to fulfill our need-want regardless.”
How Can We Have A Better Attitude About Not Getting Our Needs Met, Right Away?
The answer is mature patience.
The thing about patience is that it’s one of those things that you can’t fake because the more you fake it, the more it comes back to bite you.
Think about a time when you were pretending to be patient.
What was REALLY going on inside of you?
Your expectations were growing like huge air balloons impossible to hide.
Your impatience for not having your expectations met was rotting your brain.
You wanted to tell someone how pissed off you were that what you’ve been waiting for soooo long wasn’t yours yet.
You basically were torturing yourself repeating over and over and over in your mind how unworthy you thought you are, how undeserving and unlovable you were.
You felt soooo bad about all of these things that you wanted to give up.
You would have rather ended up with NOTHING than wait for that which you wanted.
Have Faith That Someone Can Help You
There are times in life when your greatest need wont be given to you by those who you hold dear and near to your heart.
During those times, aside from having patience you have to have faith that either you can provide that which you need for yourself or that someone can help you.
If you need to get a job, for instance, other people will be part of the process. They will give you information, interview you, hire you, train you, welcome you with open arms, etc.
In order to fulfill your need, you gotta be positive, but you also need to do something about it. Enough said, right?
It comes back to communication. You have to revisit the relationship.
Is it a relationship that you can expect something from?
Is there an obligation for them to help you?
Have you been able to get something in the past?
Relationships are also a matter of give and take.
Follow Your Desire To Help Others, But Also To Help Yourself
We often go from one extreme to the other.
“We neglect our needs when we want to be giving to others.
We neglect our wants by focusing too much on what other people need.”
And then there’s the opposite end of the generosity spectrum:
“We focus so much on our needs that we can care less about what other people want.
And we want what we want so much that we aren’t interested in meeting other people’s needs.”
The point is, you have to find the right balance to give and receive.
You can’t be so selfish that you neglect everyone else’s needs, nor can you be so giving that you let others be so selfish that you end up with nothing in the end.
These are like truth-twisters, which tongue-twisters about truth.
How Can We Be More Willing To Provide Ourselves With Our Needs Instead of Expecting Somebody Else To Fulfill Them For Us?
By sheer conviction and determination.
We have to wake up and smell reality. It doesn’t matter if it’s hard for us.
Here are some things we need to keep in mind in order to increase our chances of fulfilling our own needs:
Many of us, especially women, unfortunately, have a delusional dream that someone out there will be our prince charming that rescues us from whatever mess we find ourselves in. They won’t. We have to watch our every step so that we do get into a mess that we can get out of it, take ownership and learn from the circumstance.
We have to be go-getters, but we have to use our intuition.We have to take calculated risks.
We have to be alert enough to know when we’re chasing after the wrong thing… or the wrong person.
We know when we want to say that something was a coincidence or that “fate” brought you to a certain situation that you know didn’t come together by magic, but rather that you’re forcing. And we know that when we’re compromising ourselves and we’re not listening to our intuition, that if we pursue something that started poorly or that feels forced it won’t work. It just won’t.
If you grab onto something like a greedy kid… no matter how much of a treasure you think that thing is… it will be taken away from you.”
When we learn the effort required in fulfilling our needs we can better appreciate someone who out of love, fulfills our needs for us.
Be proud of the goals that you achieve for yourself.
Approach life and your needs like a Bucket List. Part of what makes Bucket Lists fun is that they’re something that you decide will make you happy, you work toward those goals, you take time to both prepare for your goals, you enjoy the day you finally do them and you feel a sense of pride checking off the items of your list.
Life is a Big Bucket List. Be grateful for the opportunity to be alive to fulfill your needs and the needs of those you love.
Now It’s Your Turn
What did you learn in this post that struck a chord with you?
How do you best ensure that your needs are met?
Look forward to reading your comment below.
The Want/ Need Series
If you liked this post, feel free to visit the others in the series designed to teach you how to navigate the difficult waters of assuming responsibility for what you want, what you need and how to communicate those wants and needs.
When we feel anything less than happy it is because there are things that we desire that we don’t have.
It’s a simple statement with profound repercussions.
There are things that we desire that are needs and there are things that we desire that are wants. More often than not, we “need” the needs. Yet, when we stop and look at our wants… they’re usually quite revealing. They allow us to learn more about our specific nature, and about human nature as well.
For instance, some of you may get super upset at your spouse for forgetting to put the food that you prepared for them back into the fridge.
If you call them out on it, what you say and what you perceive can indicate that you think they:
Don’t don’t care about wasting food
Don’t value money
Don’t like your food
Did it on purpose
And how they react can either:
Show you that to them, leaving the food out is not a big deal
Show you that they kind of know that it was a mistake but they don’t want to be considered accountable (Isn’t this response the worst?)
Show you that they understand that it’s a big deal because they use words that make you feel better, they act with consideration toward you and they apologize. Most importantly, you know that they know that they’ll be more careful next time and the likelihood of them leaving the food out is very slim.
Most of you would react positively if your spouse did the third thing.
However, if they do one of the other two things, leaving a food item out can all of a sudden become a huge deal! A fight even.
Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, I would like to make the post for this week fun and light.
Specifically, I’d like to ask you to participate in the Love and Treasure Valentine’s Day Tag 2016.
You’re welcome to answer them just for your own purposes, with your partner, on your blog, on your YouTube video or on any other social media outlet that you enjoy. Please be warned that if you answer them with your partner…. they may realize that what they’ve been giving you for Valentine’s Day, isn’t what you prefer. But then again, that can help your relationship when you express your needs with tact. And, be sure to reassure them that you love them anyway. 😉
Answer The Following Love and Treasure Valentine’s Day Love Tag 2016:
1. Are you a romantic person?
2. What do you prefer to receive on Valentine’s Day? a) chocolate or other candies b) dinner c) jewelry d) movie e) flowers f) clothing g) card
Are you the sentimental type who still has the gelato spoon they gave you when you purchased a gelato in Italy? Or perhaps the personal notes your elementary school bestie gave you? Or maybe, you have boxes of brochures, receipts and mementos from your travels?
That’s the beauty and the curse of being a sentimental person. You pretty much see the value in e-ve-ry-thing.
And what does this lead to?
Clutter, my friend. Lots and lots of clutter.
Sadly, clutter has become sooooo much a part of me that…there’s me and there’s my clutter. Two for the price of one.
And sadly, that’s the way my house was growing up. Filled with stuff.
That’s why today, I’ll be sharing a resource for those of you, who like me, have needed help with clutter and for those of you already familiar with the method, I’m inviting you to participate in the The Celebrating Your Success With the KonMari Method Tag.
If you haven’t met Cas, you’re in for a real treat. She is creative, funny, modest, real and on top of that, she offers useful and practical tips. She is very generous with her knowledge and posts often.
Here are My Answers To The Valentine’s Day Love and Treasure Tag Questions
You can see my answers below written in red.
1. Are you a romantic person?
Yes, I am. I used to be more romantic, but now I’m a bit more practical.
2. What do you prefer receiving on Valentine’s Day?
chocolate or other candies
dinner (I’m a foodie… so a nice restaurant dinner is my idea of love. 😉 I like local Italian restaurants (not the big-chain kind). But the thing that I love the most about a romantic dinner is that it shows me that somebody wants to invest in spend quality time exclusively with me doing something that we both love. It doesn’t get too much more romantic than that.
3. What do you usuallyget on Valentine’s Day?
chocolate or other candies
4. Do you prefer a handmade card or a store-bought card?
I know I may sound picky, but I prefer a pretty purchased card, unless the handmade one is very pretty, made with lots of love and from somebody special.
It’s silly for me to focus on the beauty of the card, but since I keep the cards I receive, I want it to bring a smile when I see it for the first time as when I see it later on.
Cards are like beautiful art for the heart.
If the cards are durable (meaning strong and not flimsy), I like them even better.
Random fact: My favorite brands are Papyrus, Hallmark and American Greeting, in that order. I don’t have to receive these brands to be happy, of course.
5. What is the BEST thing anybody has ever said, done or given you on Valentine’s Day?
My child’s first card was the best. 🙂
6. How do you feel when you see what other people got on Valentine’s Day?
happy for them
I’ve felt both. But usually, I feel happy for them.
What I don’t like is for people to “show off” their “love” in public, when there is no love in private. And usually, you can tell which couple falls into which category. Know what I mean?
In my opinion, gifts can be as special or even more special in private, than they are in public.
And most importantly, something free can be as meaningful, if not more meaningful than something that’s super expensive. It’s the intention behind what’s given to you that counts.
7. When it comes to desserts, what flavor do you prefer?
strawberry (Fun Fact: I like the cartoon Strawberry Shortcake)
8. When you were in school, how did you feel when you gave the kid you liked a Valentine card?
I felt nervous about choosing the “perfect” Valentine for him, placing the Valentine in his classroom Valentine box and trying to read his reaction if and when he opened it. I didn’t say much in the Valentine… but I wondered if he could tell that he got the “coolest” Valentine I had. Of course he couldn’t, right? But the suspense was interesting.
9. Have you ever had a love letter, card or gift rejected? Tell us about it.
Yes. It wasn’t on Valentine’s Day (thank gosh), but in 2nd grade (elementary school, can you believe it :O ? ) I gave the little boy I liked a love note (what was I thinking!!??) while we were in line to go back into class.
You know what he did?
He got out of line even after the teacher was already there, to throw the note into the trash can.
I was scarred for life. Hahahaha. 🙂 (Just kidding… although of course, it did hurt my feelings).
Worse thing is, he really, really, really wasn’t that cute.
Especially when he grew up, and I really thought to myself, what was I thinking!?
But that’s okay, writing is one of the ways that I show my love the best.
So in the end, things have a perfect way of working out.
10. What was your favorite thing to do when you didn’t have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day?
Remember how I said that I was a romantic?
Well, there were several Valentine’s Days when I didn’t have a boyfriend when I would lay down in bed on my tummy, put my head on a pillow, and listen to romantic love songs. I would sing along to them or I would simply analyze the lyrics to death.
I loved this ritual because the songs that they played on my favorite radio station were part of a special Valentine’s Day radio broadcast. They were fa-bu-lous!
It was almost great not having a boyfriend so I could listen to these songs! Guess what? I did this even if we went to my aunt’s house for Valentine’s Day. I just asked her if I could borrow her radio.
I was definitely a hopeless romantic.
11. What do you think is the best movie to watch on Valentine’s Day?
There are so many great ones, but, I would watch my favorite romantic comedy, Notting Hill.
I love romantic comedies. 🙂
But if you want my advice… watch your own romantic movie or romantic comedy movie, even if you’ve seen it. That way, at least you’ll know that the movie is great and won’t be disappointed by that. 😉
12. What song do you immediately think of when you hear the phrase “a romantic song”?
“Take my breath away”….la-la-la-la-la
I don’t even know the whole song, and nope, I’m not that old, but it comes to mind.
The song that is kinda old, but is nevertheless romantic, is “Unchained Melody.” You know the one—- from “Ghost” remember?
It’s not my favorite though, don’t worry.
I actually have too many to list.
13. Which Disney couple (yes, like Mickey and Minnie) has the type of relationship that you’d like to have? Feel free to share why.
Yes, this is a tough question. But my answer is: Cinderella. I like how relentless, romantic and persevering Prince Charming is. Plus, he’s a great provider. I mean, who wouldn’t like to live in a castle? 🙂
14. Which Disney couple’s relationship is the most similar to yours? Feel free to share why.
Also a tough one, probably, The Little Mermaid because there were distances and transformation that were part of the equation.
15. What Valentine’s Day decoration do you like the most?
heart cutouts (shouldn’t surprise you based on my logo, option, right 😉 ?)
And yes, cherries and whip cream are food decorations. 🙂
16. Who do you think deserves to be loved the most on Valentine’s Day? Why?
I think that everybody deserves love any day and especially on Valentine’s Day. However, if I had to pick one group of people it would be friends.
In some countries Valentine’s Day is called “Love and Friendship Day.”
And although we do often give friends a little something on Valentine’s Day, I think that most of us hold back somewhat in sharing the deep love and appreciation that we have for our friends because we don’t want to come off as too loving toward them.
17. What tradition would you like to remove from Valentine’s Day?
The one tradition I would remove from Valentine’s Day is self-consciousness. We are way too self-conscious about showing people our love.
18. What tradition would you like to add to Valentine’s Day?
I would like for us to know what offering the top 20 people in our life prefers, according to Gary D. Chapman’s Love Languages. They could like physical gifts, spending time together, words of affirmation or actions.
Knowing this, I would aim to give the top 20 (or 10 or 8, the number doesn’t really matter) in my life what they prefer during a moment of quality. And since each person deserves their own slot, so to speak, I would want to schedule a mutually agreeable time to offer them my token of love within the 7 days after Valentine’s Day.
We could schedule time together months down the line, but at least we have something to look forward to. And the best thing is, we don’t have to hold our breath waiting for the “we should get together soon” phrase to come true.
And when we have something to look forward to, we lead happier lives knowing that instead of having a calendar full of “to-do’s,” we have at least 20 get-togethers of “want-to-do’s” already scheduled.
19. Who would you like to have answer these questions?
You, who is reading of course!
Please leave all the answers to these questions or your favorites below in the comments. If you have a blog or a YouTube channel leave your site below so that we can visit your responses. Or you can also tag me on social media so that I can see your responses there.
I’m writing to invite you to talk about love as often as you can, with as many people as you can.
How: Talk about love when you communicate verbally, nonverbally, to yourself and to others, whether they look like you, talk like you, feel like you, love like you, believe in what you believe or not. Of course, you’ll have to stand up for yourself from time to time, but even when you do, do so from a place of love
Time: You’re free to talk about love as often as you can, you’re free to live in the vibration of love, and therefore act in loving ways with those around you even more often than you do right now
Place: Talk about love or communicate with love everywhere, without dwelling on the fact that it might be the unpopular thing to do.
What we’re Celebrating: The reason I’m encouraging you to talk about love is to inspire you to make a shift in all the areas of your life and of our world at large by focusing on and acting from a place of love.
When you love, you feel good. When you act from love, you do good. Both benefit the world.
When you deliberately seek to feel good, without harming the people around you or harming yourself, you attract to you an infinite amount of blessings which you in turn can give to others.
You feeling good brings wellbeing, grace, illumination, hope and faith to those around you.
When people are inspired to explore their highest potential, imagine all the positive change that can come from it.
Why we’re Celebrating: Love is the answer that many of us seek, but cannot see. It’s what we ask for, and do not answer the door when it knocks. With love at our core, we can literally change our life, change the dynamic of our interlinked lives and change the world. It is worth repeating that love makes us feel good. And when we feel good, we don’t seek to be fulfilled by things that leave us feeling more empty and strip the world of its inherent joy. When we feel feel good, we’re more willing to serve, to create, to uplift to inspire.
If you accept this invitation to talk about love, perhaps I don’t physically see you putting love into practice, but some way, some how, I’ll feel the energy that YOU helped make more loving. Incrementally, the world will start to talk about love thanks to you. The world, or at least your world, will realize the importance of love, how we’ve taken it for granted, and what a powerful force it is to shift our ability to create a better life for ourselves by simply following our bliss, as Joseph Campbell so eloquently inspired us to do. When we watch the news or anything that perpetuates negativity we consciously or unconsciously fixate on the negative, and therefore increase our creation of more negativity. Totally not what we’re after is it? 🙂 Besides, all the tragedies in the world will not help us shape our loving world, as I stated in a prior post, it’s easier to learn lessons the easy way, such as through love, than the hard way, often expressed as tragedy.
So join me in spreading the importance of love in the best way that reflects your talent. Acting loving in as many circumstances as possible may seem like the weak thing to do when there seems to be so much danger, adversity and negativity in the world… but remember that the world is as you see it. If you believe in love, and spread love, love is what will abound in your life. Throughout history, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Mother Teresa have believed in love without limits… and notice how their efforts live on. Nowadays, you have sublime people like Dr. Wayne Dyer, Deepak Chopra, Oprah, and Louise Hay that believe in love like I believe in love and I’m sure you do too. Together, famous or not, when we talk about love, we can really make the difference… and making the difference through love, is what this blog is about.
So please join me, in spreading love in the way that feels the most joyous to you. You don’t have to R.S.V.P. and you’re free, or rather encouraged, to bring a friend with you along on this journey. 🙂 All I ask is that you leave a comment below stating why you are interested in joining me.
When something negative happens to someone as a result of what we consider a decision based on poor judgement, we often say “Hopefully, he/she learned his/her lesson,” sometimes sincerely, sometimes judgmentally. We also say, “I’ve learned my lesson,” often as a last resort when all is said and done and when we can’t change what’s happened. Our solace and consolation after a challenging life event, oftentimes is that we do learn. Sooner or later, we understand what life is trying to tell us. However, have you ever wondered if in fact we need to suffer greater tragedies or go through something truly difficult before we learn?
Is Life a Fair Test or Does it Just Want to Fail Us?
I don’t know about you, but I would much prefer to learn via a positive experience, somebody else’s negative experience, intuition, common sense or life’s little hints that something is off. And we do get those, it’s like someone throwing a cotton ball at us to grab our attention, then a pebble, then a stone, then a brick, until finally, if we have not paid attention or done anything about this situation, the whole brick wall comes tumbling down on us.
What Lesson Do You Want to Learn, the Easy Way?
The number 1 thing I would like to learn how to do very well, without any tragedies attempting to teach me any so-called lessons, is to appreciate life and love even more than I do. It is through this appreciation that I can show my love to others, be truly present for them and be truly present in our life to enjoy this gift called life.
What do you want to learn, the kind way? If you stop to really think about it, what type of lessons has life taught you recently? How to value family more, friends more, money, job, health, freedom or something else? What kind of “grades” have you gotten in each of these areas? Do you need life to test you rigorously in your worst-performing areas in order for you to “prove” that you’ve learned what you need to learn? So, knowing what you want to learn, and the fact that you most likely don’t want to learn things the hard way, why is it that many of us wait until someone dies, we get divorced, we file for bankruptcy, we lose a family member, we lose our friend, we lose our child’s respect, or we lose our health, we lose the ability to enjoy the simple blessing that we have at our disposal each day, or we’re about to lose our life before we show that we truly care about that which we lost or about to lose? What on earth are we waiting for? That may depend on your circumstances and your mentality, but you want to know the ultimate lesson that life is probably wanting to teach all of us? That we shouldn’t take things for granted. Nothing is a given. We “deserve” nothing. We’re entitled to nothing. That promotion, that vacation, that salary, the car, the cruise… isn’t yours forever. Nothing, belongs to us. As trite at it may seem, we really do need to value the presents in our present while they last. Now, the point here isn’t to become paranoid… the point here is to become truly joyful and loving… NOW, when it TRULY matters. Of course, some of these life events where we experience loss are inevitable and sometimes, as hard as they may be initially, they’re even the best thing for the people involved, but if we’re feeling guilty or remorseful about whom or what we lost, it probably means that at some point, we weren’t appreciating or treasuring to the degree that we wanted to or that we know the other person needed.
Those degrees of separation between being at peace with something and not being at peace, is what hurts— it’s what damages us, and it’s what traumatizes us. We feel we were so close, and yet we were so far.
While there are times when we can say with quite a bit of conviction that we’re the victim of our circumstances, most of the time we’re not the victim– we are the conscious or subconscious perpetrator of our life circumstance. Most situations that result in us hurting, came about because we took the important things in life for granted. This brings us to the question, if we know that it’s absolutely unnecessary to suffer greater tragedies before appreciating life and love, why do we not act like we know this? Is it because it takes more courage to love, be present, be active, be involved, than it does to experience the pain that we get if we distance ourselves from whom and what we love? That’s a question truly worth exploring. In other words, why do you subconsciously or consciously allow the tragedy to happen before you act? After all, if we care enough about ourselves and we take a moment to listen to ourselves, our feelings, and sense our intuition, you can almost immediately pinpoint what’s wrong with your life. Maybe “wrong” is to harsh of a word. You can pinpoint where you’re not interacting with life and with others to the degree that you would like and where you can appreciate life and love more. You may choose to ignore this awareness, but that’s your decision and it doesn’t mean that your feeling is not there, or that it’ll go away just because you don’t want to deal with it.
Waiting for a tragedy to strike so that you can “confirm” what you already know is an utter waste of time and of your potential.”
If you know that a job is going nowhere or a relationship is going nowhere, then, whatare you waiting for?!
In life, we meet, court, go after, and eventually “marry” situations that we think we want. However, we can often feel it inside ourselves if what we’re going after is worth it, or if it isn’t. Yet for some absurd reason, we think we have to complete the cycle with everyone and everything. Let’s face it, not everyone and everything is deserving of this great commitment of ours. But yet, we choose to not do something about the dissatisfaction that we’re experiencing. That’s why there are unhappy strangers celebrating their 40 year anniversary; there are people who died today who never fulfilled their dreams because they were too busy being responsible; most of us live with junk that we bought which we’ll never use; and there are unhappy, unfulfilled and overwhelmed parents raising unhappy, unfulfilled and overwhelmed children. Worse yet, we often don’t realize that in our pursuit of following everything that doesn’t matter or that doesn’t provide us with true happiness, we plague our world with joylessness. How sad! Can you see how this emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual baggage that we’re carrying around is insane, something that affects us all and will continue to affect the generations to come unless we wake up and practice true love and true appreciation with one another and with our collective world? Of course you can see this!
You are an A+ student in this school of life, so for the love of anything or anyone you think is worth loving, don’t wait to fail another of life’s “grueling tests” so that you can become “enlightened” after-the-fact, to do what you know you should do today.“
Be the great friend
Be the loving parent
Be the caring spouse
Be the bold entrepreneur
Be the one who gives time lovingly and generously
Be the one who gives a damn about the hunger and poverty in the world
Be the one who questions the garbage we’re teaching our youth and falling for ourselves
Be the one who takes care of your wellbeing– YOU are your best doctor
Be the one who believes in your dreams- no matter how unrealistic they are or seem
Be the one who makes your dreams happen so that we can all continue dreaming
You have such a full and rich life already regardless of what’s going on, that despite what the world may think and what you may have foolishly accepted, you don’t need a guest called “Tragedy” in your life. Trust me, been there, done that… you really don’t. If by chance, Tragedy does come, make sure that you are living today in such a way, that due to the enormous amount of love you give, that loving people can help, console, support and ease your pain during an inevitable tragedy. If nothing else, make sure that your mentality attracts as much positivity into your life as it can and is able to deal effectively and efficiently with Tragedy. If it must, let it come in, accept it’s offering, which is usually a lesson that you already knew, and quickly show it the door so that it can exit. Dwell on love and appreciation because ultimately, your circumstances are filled with trivial details trying to teach you what the important lessons of life are.
Share Your Wisdom Treasures
So after analyzing whether you personally do or don’t need tragedies in your life to learn about what matters in life, what proactive measures, if any, are you willing to take to demonstrate that you know the lesson?
It only takes a glimpse of your to-do list, your social media presence, your calendar, your conflicting appointments and the world at large to know that your life is overflowing. It’s full of commitments, full of errands, and the term “scatter-brain” should be your affectionate nickname.
In the grand scheme of things, however, IS your life full? Do all of the things that fill up your to-do list, your social media profiles, your calendar, your time, your life, your heart, your mind and your soul fill you up? Really fill you up? If they don’t, you’re absolutely not alone. There are billions of people who feel this exact same way. We’re focusing on the ingredients of life… the minutia, instead of focusing on the celebration of life cake. We can even throw the cake out of this scenario and know that it’s absolutely enough to just be in the present. But when are we present? Where are we right now? As you know, we are everywhere but here. We are literally, mentally, psychologically and spiritually scattered. Therefore, we are hardly ever present to enjoy our life. You know what also is sad? That we expect to enjoy our life and have joy based on our external circumstances, instead of our internal ones. We’re not valuable because of how many things we checked off our to-do list, how many friends we have on social media, how many people like what we say on social media or how many social invitations we get each weekend. There’s so much more to you than that.
If you really observe your life, you’ll discover that:
“It’s not that you can’t keep up with your to-do list. It’s that your to-do list can’t keep up with you because your mind is constantly creating, thinking, analyzing, envisioning and realizing the hundreds of things you “have” to do.”
And the question is not where your to do list is when you’re getting an avalanche of thoughts of this kind, but where love and doing the things that matter end up. Do they even get a prime spot on your to-do list? Or your life?
What Should Your Life Be Full Of?
You are probably reading this with the hope that I have some magical answer for how to be more present and for how to feel more joy? (After all, if you’ve read this far, it’s almost like a miracle… I know you have so many things “to do” 😉 ). And as simplistic as it may seem I do have an answer that can be magical if you apply it well in all areas of your life. That answer is love.
Why Should You Start Talking About What Your Life Should Be Filled With?
Of course, how you can apply love to your life is too broad of a topic for this one post. For now, though, I want to leave you with 5 do-or-die reasons why having a conversation about love is important:
1. First of all, you need to come to terms with a perhaps rude awakening and that is that you literally have sooooo many things on your to-do list, that even if you did nothing else in life, you would probably still have plenty of things to occupy you the rest of your life. So, the concept of love, as basic or grandiose as you think it is, NEEDS to be part of your life. This means, you have to make time for it. It’s not like you can wait until the rest of your to-do list is finished, before you feel you can focus on love. You need to call the people you love, see them, spend time with them, cherish them, give them you. Give them love. And if they say that they don’t have time for some of your loving. Insist on loving. Making loving them your priority. And analyze this: Why do you think they’re so “addicted” to being busy? Have you ever considered that if they didn’t feel busy, they would probably feel empty? Have you ever considered that that’s the reason why your social calendar is that full? It’s sad and surprising to even come to terms with either one of these rationalizations. The key here is, that instead of being someone who is waiting for LOVE to knock on your door, and rescue you from your to-do list is super naive. It’s not gonna happen. There is no “Love in Shining Armor.” YOU have to create time for what matters.
2. And please, don’t give me the “But really, I don’t have time” excuse. If you find the time to gossip, to talk about the latest reality show, to obsess about cleaning, to argue, to watch sports, to watch movies, to talk about what you’re going to bring to the pot-luck, to engage in politics, to talk about or participate in office politics, the watch or talk about news, to comment on what the latest celebrity said on a social media site, then you certainly have time to make love your priority. Haven’t you heard yourself lately? Haven’t you caught yourself and heard a little voice saying, “I can’t believe I’m talking about this stupid subject” when you’re spending time with your loved ones? That’s your intuition that knows that you’re wasting time.
3. As hard as it is to admit it, you know what your intuition is reminding you of? That we’re not eternal. So either you do and say what you’re meant to say right now or at the next opportunity that the moment is “good enough” instead of waiting for the nonexistent “perfect moment” or you run the risk of never, ever, having the opportunity to say it at all. You can die today. Your loved one could die today! What are you waiting for!?
4. On a larger scale, negative energy is taking this world nowhere productive. Of course, you can say it’s taking us down, but that’s why I specified that it’s taking us nowhere productive. You have two options with every choice you make. Either you take the fear/hate route as you do something or you take the love route.
Which one do you think will take you further in life (not that we’re focusing on your needs right now)?
Which one do you think will make the best difference?
Which will allow you to leave a meaningful imprint or legacy for those that have had the privilege of knowing you and having you in their life?
I know and you know that anybody can act negatively and perpetuate fear and that they’ll instantly feel powerful doing so. That’s what cowards and wimps do. That’s the easy route. Anybody can hate easily, but not everybody can love easily. Yes, they can love, but it takes courage to love. Courage comes from the French word, “coeur” which means “heart.” If your heart keep you alive, why shouldn’t you want to keep the world of our dreams alive? And no matter how impossible it seems to be to attain it, help create it one choice at a time?
5. I hope that all of this is helping you realize that love is the topic that should be trending on your favorite social media sites. You know where else love should be trending? On your everyday day-to-day “mundane” actions, meaning in your life. You maybe think that you’re so insignificant that you choosing to live more love-consciously will not matter. But you know what? You’re wrong. Haven’t you stopped to think about the power of love? Don’t you know that if today you chose to love someone instead of being indifferent, hating or feeling any other not-so-giving feeling, that you would make a difference? You can either make a difference to that one person or (if you can think this highly of yourself) you can make a difference to the whole world. Put another way, when you make a difference to one person, you make a difference to the world. We are all energy. That’s no joke. So either you uplift our collective human consciousness or you bring it down. It’s all based on how you treat one person.
Why Should We Take the Time to Talk About and Apply Love?
We need to address what’s important in our world by talking about love. Love is the common thread and the common denominator in all of our lives. All the political issues that are driving people nuts around the world, boil down to love. Love impacts how a farmer farms and how he treats his animals. That in turn affects the energy that we receive from our nourishment and how healthy we are. Love affects whether or not a doctor does everything in his/her power to keep you or a loved one alive. Love affects our oceans, our pollution, and the people who have just died out of hunger in this short time that you read this post. Love matters to your child who needs your embrace, to your spouse that needs a caress. Love matters to the underdog, but it also matters to the CEO. Love should matter to everyone and matter a whole lot, because it is essentially our best gift, our remedy, our answer and our saving grace. Either we use love to keep our personal and collective well-being afloat, or we don’t use it and sink in misery, despair and indifference. We’ve all experienced both sides of that equation on a microscopic level in our own life and we know that we’re much kinder and much smarter than to let the latter happen, so start seeing love as a unending treasure, because it really is. Without further delay, give it away.
Now It’s Your Turn to Share Your Wisdom Gems
This blog is not my soap box. It’s a platform to honor love and converse about it. So, I’d be thrilled to hear what you have to say about it. Please share this article with your friends so that more people can join in on the conversation.
Do you think that you are ready to learn more about love? Why or why not?
Do you think the world is ready to learn more about love? Why or why not?