There is no better time to do something for a woman who has chosen to be a mother than when she gives birth and becomes a mother for the first time or an additional time.
When she becomes pregnant, she may be the princess. She may have cravings and desires here and there that she would appreciate someone satisfying.
After giving birth, however, she’s the queen This is especially the case for women who think that they have to do something in order to earn something. And giving birth is certainly something SUPER worthy of the queen title.
The only problem is, that often, a birthing queen‘s mother, husband or helper doesn’t step up to the plate of treating the worthy new momma in their life like a queen because they, like everybody else, are super infatuated with the baby that they “forget” that mom should also be the center of attention. They forget that even though it took about ten months to create the baby in the womb, it’ll take mom about 12 months to fully recover from the complexities of having been pregnant. Yep, 12 months! Add those two numbers up (10+12 months) and you’ll see that mom has been going through and will continue to go through transformation for 22 months… almost two years of her life!!! And for the most part, those are just the physical changes. So, the focus of this post is to help this new amazing mother with what you can control… her emotions.
And before you roll your eyes thinking that there’s nooooooo way you can help with her emotions (after all you know how hormonal she can get), think again, my friend. When you’re a mom, are raising a baby, have to take it easier, have limited outings and have limited access to hang out with people, the people who moms do hang out with all of a sudden become a “HUGE” deal. Mom either can get the emotional support she needs from the people “supporting” her or she won’t.
Worse yet, another reason a queen‘s mother, husband or caregiver don’t give all the support they can is because they claim they don’t know what to do for the new mom. Really? Like, REALLLLLY?!? You’ve known this woman for years, if not your entire life, and you don’t know how to help her?
Well that’s gotta change. And it’s gonna change right now because here’s a list of the top 10 roles a mother, a partner, a sister, a spouse or a friend has to adopt in order to serve the birthing queen like she deserves.
10 Roles You Have To Adopt to Treat New Moms Like a Queen
Be Her Janitor
Yep, you heard me right.
- Clean the bathroom
- Ensure that trash has been taken out
- Double check that there is plenty of bathroom paper in the house and
- Make sure that the bathrooms that she uses are well stocked with bathroom paper.
- Oh, and please don’t just put a roll on top of an almost empty roll.
- Actually take the time to put a new roll into the toilet paper dispenser.
- Having the toilet paper accessible to her at all times and where it belongs, will be the closest thing to a spa environment that she’ll see for several weeks.
Be Her Housekeeper
- Clean the house, especially the kitchen.
- Do the dishes.
- Sweep, mop and vacuum.
- Offer to wash the cloth diapers, baby clothes and regular household laundry.
- The day you get back from the hospital, wash the pillows, blankets, Boppy, slippers, clothes and bags you took to the hospital.
- Disinfect the shoes you took to the hospital.
- Do WHAT YOU KNOW she most appreciates.
- If she’s always wanting you to unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher so that she can load the dirty dishes. Do you think she’ll want you to ignore the dishes now? NOT AT ALL! On the contrary, do them all, and do them often. At the very least, do your part.
- If she is always telling you that you should help out more with the laundry, do you think that this is the time to ignore this desire of hers? Hope you fully understand that the answer is no.
- Do the laundry and do the dishes for heaven’s sake!
Be The Cook, And If You Can Swing It, Be The Chef
As any pregnant woman can tell you, four things change palette-wise once you have a child:
- It’s great to be able to eat anything (especially after a natural birth) and there are things that you’re craving for which taste more gloriously than ever after giving birth
- You hardly have time to cook
- There’s less time to enjoy meals and eating can become a luxury because feeding the baby becomes the priority (sometimes at the mom’s own expense)
- Breastfeeding moms require extra calories but ironically, have less time to prepare and enjoy meals
All of this translates into the fact that queen bee needs some food and most likely she ain’t making It. That is where YOU, the helper, comes in.
- Make meals she enjoys that are wholesome and healthy.
- She will still want to indulge in a mini powdered sugar here and a little chocolate there but remember that the nutrients that she consumes will be nourishing both her and the baby.
- Buy/make a meal that you know she was craving during pregnancy, but she couldn’t have. Sushi, anyone? Blue cheese?
- Try to have as little food as possible go to waste. Use up or preserve fruits and veggies.
- When you cook, adopt the freezer. Cook bigger meals and freeze some so that when she’s alone she’ll have something to eat.
- Preferably, make sure there’s something ready to eat in the fridge (unfrozen) which she can QUICKLY grab a bite of and return to taking care of the baby. (The key word is quickly. Often, moms have less than 8 minutes to pretty much shove some food down).
- Having meals that are ready is especially important if there are other children who are depending on mom to be nourished when you’re not available to help them.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY: And like any good cook, PLEEEEEASE, for the love of all things holy, keep her hot food hot. This is especially important when her meal is interrupted as a result of the baby needing her, someone calling or nature calling (her need to go to the bathroom). What do you keep it warm with? A pot lid, the stovetop, the pan, or if the oven was turned on recently, the oven.
If you’re looking for healthy food ideas I recommend two books Joyous Health and Life Is Messy Kitchen. Don’t worry, these recipes are easy and fun to make.
Be Her 24/7 Room Service
Hopefully mom is able to eat her meals in the kitchen, but if she’s not, have snacks and water by her side. Dates, fruit, granola bars (I recommend the Kind Bars) and healthy snacks from the cookbooks mentioned are good options.
If she’s breastfeeding almost 24/7, make sure she has snacks to keep her energy up (and to help her stay awake in the middle of the night).
Be Her Nanny
If the new, beautiful mom is breastfeeding, she will be busy with the baby most of the day, so that means that any moment to herself will be even more precious.
- Offer her to watch her sleeping baby so that she can get ready for the day or at least take a shower.
- The best way of doing this without insinuating that she should get ready or take a shower is to simply say, “I can watch the baby so that you can take care of whatever you feel you need to take care of.”
- Give her time to take care of something from work or from her business.
- Give her a little downtime. Often, some time to enjoy a favorite cup of tea, watch a YouTube video or eat a granola bar with ZERO interruptions can be quite refreshing! Utopian, even. Amazingly, even going to the restroom in peace and quiet seems heavenly. It IS, heavenly, actually.
Be Her Personal Assistant
After the birth, there are sooo many appointments and things to do. Help her tackle them, remind her of them, or better yet do them for her.
Here are some examples of things to consider:
- If the baby was born before you went to all of your scheduled ob-gyn appointments either because the baby was born prior to 40 weeks or because you booked additional appointments for week 41 and 42, cancel them
- Schedule your 4-6 week ob-gyn appointment depending on when your obgyn wants to see you
- Add your new baby to your health insurance plan and assign a doctor and a dentist to your newborn
- Make an appointment for your baby to see their pediatrician a couple of days after you are discharged from the hospital
- Send the form to request a birth certificate and SSN card
- Order a birth announcement
- Send out birth announcement
- Request an insurance card for the baby if you you don’t automatically receive it. Make sure the correct name and doctor is listed.
- Check the budget
- Make sure pending household payments are taken care of, especially those that she pays manually
- Consider what time of year it is. Is it time to pay car insurance, property taxes, income taxes or home owner association fees? Don’t forget to take care of those payments.
- Set the baby’s two week well child visit
- Set the baby’s one month well child visit
- 2 month well child visit
- 4 month well child visit
- 6 month well child visit
- 9 month well child visit
- 12 month well child visit
- 18 month well child visit
- 24 month well child visit
If mom can schedule these events in her digital calendar as well as in her paper calendar, then the likelihood of her forgetting is diminished, especially if she can count on your support and reminders.
Generally speaking, just because you’re her personal assistant does not mean that you should ignore her way of doing things.
If she opens the mail from the top, for instance… don’t open her mail by opening the side. This is ESPECIALLY important for envelopes that she’ll only gets once in a lifetime, like her baby’s SSN card envelope. I know, it seems like a silly thing… but trust me, your main task during this time is for you to PLEASE your wife, not to piss her off.
Be A Photographer
No matter how well the new mom is feeling, she won’t be able to capture the many magical moments that come with having a baby and raising a baby.
Offer to take pictures since you’re at the hospital and continue to take pictures every day.
Take pictures of:
- Her holding the baby (as long as she feels pretty enough for you to take a picture of her)
- The family with the baby
- Big brother or big sister with the baby (if they’re healthy)
- The baby visitors with the baby
- At home
- The baby asleep
- Awake
- During a towel bath
- After a towel bath with a robe
- With pjs
- With regular clothes
- The baby swaddled
- The baby’s hands
- The baby’s feet
- The baby’s gorgeous face
- And any other cuteness you come across
With her permission, take photos with her camera using the camera settings she likes unless you’re a professional photographer.
And if you take photos with your camera or with your phone please share them with the new mom without her having to ask. After all, who can appreciate the photos of her baby more than she does?
Be Her Nurse
- Ask her if she feels well
- Ask her if there’s anything you can get for her
- Be caring enough all the time so that if something hurts, she’ll have enough trust in you to let you know
- You know those guys who sit by the sidelines in a sports game and their primary task is to keep the all-star players hydrated? Well, that’s your job. You should keep your wife’s water supply full at all times, and throughout the house like next to her bed, in front of the TV, or on her desk.
- Keep in mind that she most likely can gulp 20 oz. in no time…. so you have to be on your toes when it comes to that. Staying hydrated is ESPECIALLY important if your lady is breastfeeding. Her milk supply is at stake here.
Be Her Masseur/ Masseuse
If it’s going to take 12 months for her body to be “back to normal” do you think that one massage after labor will be enough?
No, sir!
Give her many massages. Aim for AT LEAST one a week. Don’t wait for her to ask for it. Don’t assume that she doesn’t need it. She does. Give it to her.
Obvious clue: if she says that any of her arm or muscles hurt, guess what? Time to give her a massage again… no matter if you gave her one yesterday. That’s her way of hinting that it would be nice if you caught on to the fact that she would appreciate a massage.
Be Her Friend
No matter how busy this time of year is (and really, what time of year ISN’T busy), keep the new mom company.
If she looks sad, and you ask her what’s wrong and she says she’s fine but your intuition is telling…actually YELLING at you saying that something is wrong with the new mom go with your intuition! Don’t walk away and take her word for it! Come on! You know better than that! Invite her to open up using love, affection, genuine concern and interest. The more she’s used to counting with your support and presence, the faster she’ll open up. If she’s not opening up quickly, it most likely means you’ve let her down somewhere along the way. So don’t blame her.
And um, please don’t ever, ever, EVER tell the new mom that you think that she has used the fact that she’s pregnant or her status as a new mom as an excuse for being emotional. EVVVVVER!!! That’s one of the most inconsiderate things you can say. The birth of a child is a MAAAAAJOR life transition, way up there with losing a job, buying a home or getting married. You wouldn’t ask someone to not feel the feelings often associated with those events, would you? So, why on earth would you think that being emotional (at least a tiny bit) is not normal when pregnant or after childbirth?
Childbirth Is SUCH a profound, personal and a let’s- see-what-your’e-made-of event that nobody but the mom knows what it’s like to have been able to achieve or not achieve the things she expected from herself and from others in this birthing journey.
It’s disrespectful to question her feelings, minimize them and want to change them. It is also potentially dangerous because if you refute her feelings instead of validating them, you give her one more excuse for her to have baby blues or for postpartum depression. Remember, she needs support, love, pampering and company… not rejection, inconsideration, having her needs ignored and alienation.
And yeah. You may not be a licensed therapist but don’t be a pest. Don’t fight what she’s telling you and convince her of why the way she’s feeling has no merit. It’s the way she’s feeling, dang it! As the line in Bambi says, “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Remaining silent is better that than to take away the little emotional integrity she has left…. but don’t remain silent completely, or she’ll think that you’re avoiding her and that you don’t want to support her as a friend. Of course, if her emotional state is more serious, she should talk to her doctor. Your job in all of this is give her more reasons to be and feel happy and supported than to feel “less bad.” Fill her up!
Listen and act on what she tells you. If she cries one day because she feels lonely…. don’t just exchange three words with her when you get home for over an hour or for the entire evening. “Hello. Everything alright?” Is not enough, even though I know people who think it is. What does saying only 3 words to her say? That you care? That you want to spend time with her? That you love her? NO!
If there’s one thing that you can do, is to keep your cool and remember that SHE IS THE STAR. Not you. She’s spent almost a year giving you the joy of seeing your son, daughter, grandson, granddaughter, niece or nephew… so for at least the first few days, weeks or month… truly treat her like a queen. Don’t get defensive when she makes requests or becomes upset when you failed to do something for her. Remember:
Behind anger, there’s some hurt. A broken promise. Or a wish.
It’s your job to discover what it is and to make the wrongs that she feels, right. No matter how often she does them. No matter how many things she complains about.
Your time to have infinite patience and love that just flows and flows like Niagara Falls from your heart to hers is NOW.
One Important Thing To Say About This Treat New Moms Like a Queen List
You may be wondering which of these roles is the most important, how often you should do it, and how many times you should do each of these tasks.
The general rule is that as often as possible….and in the order that is most meaningful to her and most urgent in general.
For example, if she’s starving, cleaning the bathroom isn’t top priority. Making her a meal would be a better choice.
You need to use your common sense and read her cues.
One of the biggest clues you can have (other than asking her and truly listening to what she’s complaining about) is to know what this new mom’s Love Language is.
If hers is words of affirmation, do you think that doing everything on the list but not talking to her will make her happy? Noppppe. You’ll have to do most things on the list AND talk to her with encouraging words.
The book you can read to find out more about the Love Languages is The 5 Love Languages: How To Express Heartfelt Commitment To Your Mate.
But since I know it’s a busy time of year, you might just want your partner to take the test… preferably while she’s breastfeeding or sitting down anyway by visiting The Five Love Languages Page and taking the quiz there. And you know what, YOU should also take the quiz. The main reason for this is so that you’re always aware that just because your Love Language is _______ (blank) doesn’t mean that her Love Language will be the same. So it’s silly to try to make her the most happy with something that would make you happy because she’s not you.
Ultimately, during this time that your major focus should be to treat her like a queen it might seem like all you’re doing is give, give, give. But don’t forget that she’s doing three things:
1) She’s recovering
2) She’s taking care of the baby and sacrificing her me time, her meal time, her potty time, her sleep time, among other things.
3) AND she’s registering YOU as someone that she can count on, that truly loves her and can make her a priority during this important time in all of your lives. That is something that she’ll appreciate and remember always (no matter how out of it or grouchy she seems). She wants to be the queen, and she wants you to be her Prince in Shining Armor. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll be worthy enough to be her King.
Now It’s Your Turn
Share this post with any new dad, new mom, new aunt or new grandma that you know.
And if you’re lucky enough to have a new little one in your family, answer any or all of the questions below and share your answers in the comments section.
- Which of these 10 roles do you think that the new mom in your life can most appreciate?
- Which of these roles came as an aha moment for you?
- Which of these roles is the easiest for you? Which one is the hardest?
