How Do We Get In The Way Of What We Want And What To Do About It by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure blog www.loveandterasure.com

How Do We Get In The Way of What We Want And What To Do About It

When we feel anything less than happy it is because there are things that we desire that we don’t have.

 

It’s a simple statement with profound repercussions.

 

There are things that we desire that are needs and there are things that we desire that are wants. More often than not, we “need” the needs. Yet, when we stop and look at our wants… they’re usually quite revealing. They allow us to learn more about our specific nature, and about human nature as well.

 

For instance, some of you may get super upset at your spouse for forgetting to put the food that you prepared for them back into the fridge.

 

If you call them out on it, what you say and what you perceive can indicate that you think they:

 

  • Are forgetful
  • Are lazy
  • Don’t don’t care about wasting food
  • Don’t value money
  • Don’t like your food
  • Did it on purpose

And how they react can either:

  • Show you that to them, leaving the food out is not a big deal
  • Show you that they kind of know that it was a mistake but they don’t want to be considered accountable (Isn’t this response the worst?)
  • Show you that they understand that it’s a big deal because they use words that make you feel better, they act with consideration toward you and they apologize. Most importantly, you know that they know that they’ll be more careful next time and the likelihood of them leaving the food out is very slim.

 

Most of you would react positively if your spouse did the third thing.

 

However, if they do one of the other two things, leaving a food item out can all of a sudden become a huge deal! A fight even.

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April 2016 Favorites| The treasures I was Able to Ennjoy This Spring blog post on Love and Treasure by Haydee Montemayor

April 2016 Favorites | The Treasures I Was Able To Enjoy This Spring

Want to know a little secret about me?

 

I see the world as a treasure hunt. I LOVE finding treasures. I like finding things that make me feel like I’ve come across the holy grail of whatever the item is.

For example, if I’m buying myself an eyeshadow palette, I want to make sure that it’s the best eyeshadow palette for me. Not the most expensive one, but the one that I’ll love the most based on a trusty recommendation, my prior experience with the product or on hours of research (and yes, I spend hours of research trying to find the best version of even the simplest item).

Bottom line, I want quality. A pleasurable experience before I buy something, while buying, while receiving it and most importantly in my daily life. It’s not that I think that things should be the bulk of our happiness, but they do influence our quality of life.

So today, I’ll be sharing the treasures I enjoyed using in April in an effort to not keep them a secret and allow you to see if they will be your treasures, too.

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How Good Of A Communicator Are You, Really? blog post by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure blog which you can find at www.loveandtreasure.com

How Good Of A Communicator Are You, Really?

In the last post, we explored how your experience with friendships impacts the way you view friendships.

I said that it’s hard to not take things personally when you have friendships that don’t seem like friendships.

Essentially, there are three approaches you can take when your friendships are not what you’d like them to be:

1. Give up on the friendship and drift apart slowly OR cold turkey. (By the way, it’s sane to admit to yourself that there are some friendships that completed their course or that will complete their course. You are not meant to be friends with everybody forever).

2. Leave the friendship as it is and continue to be unsatisfied. (Sadly, that’s what most of us do).

3. Do something about it. What is that something? Come on, you know what it is, right? COMMUNICATE!

I know, I know! You’re probably thinking that you are already communicating or that communicating is hard.

And you’re right on both accounts! You are communicating, but it’s probably inefficiently. Communicating your true feelings and needs is what it takes. And yes, that’s hard! Super hard, actually! Especially since we were never taught how to communicate and communication is not a subject that we started learning since kindergarten (or earlier), although it should have been.

Why Is Communication So Important?

Well, think about it. Think about every time someone has let you down. The reason they let you down pretty much boils to four things:

1. Because of something they said

2. Because of something they did

3. Because of something they didn’t say

4. Because of something they didn’t do

Could the outcome had been different if you had stated your expectations before they let you down?

Of course!

"The Most important factor in determining whether your own needs will be met is your ability to communicate. " by Haydee Montemayor form Love and Treasurer blog www.loveandtreasure.com

This is largely based on the ask and you receive premise. If you identify your needs and voice what those needs are, the likelihood of them coming true goes waaaay up.

Sadly, most people have a tendency to assume that the people around them can read their mind. 

Communicating is soooo simple, but it’s often overlooked. This is largely in part because when you were little, and you cried, mom, dad or hopefully both, tried to figure out what exactly it was that you needed and provided that for you, whether it was milk, comfort, a diaper change or cuddles.

So now, we assume that because someone knows us, and because we think we’re good at identifying the needs off others that other people should be able to “tell”… “figure out” or “just know” what we need based on our interactions with them.

We almost immediately make “love” a part of this conflict. We say “If you really loved me, you should give me what you KNOW I want without me having to say it.”

We expect them to read our mind… without even asking them to read our mind (not that they could, of course). If we’re sad, mad, anxious or worried, which are typically feelings that we feel when we’re the most shut down, we expect someone to rescue us from our misery. And if they don’t, we simply become MORE miserable. In our mind, it toooootally makes sense!

Stop Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

Given that it’s really frustrating to need something, expect it from someone, not receive it and feel worse and repeat this cycle over and over, our natural tendencies are often to judge others for not giving us what we need. We label others.

We say they’re insensitive, uncaring, unloving, uncommitted, mean, rude, selfish and the list goes on and on and on.

Yet, we hardly remember that when we point our finger at others when we’re trying to blame them and justify how inconsiderate they are, that three fingers are pointing back at us.

It hardly ever occurs to us that WE are the reason why our needs aren’t met.

This happens to me too, and if you read my last post or if you go and read it right now… I’ll be honest and admit that I, too, have made this mistake of not communicating my needs. Why? In part because I thought that if my friends cared about me that they would contact me and value me. And secondly, because up until now, I haven’t had the guts to say what I want and need in friendships. In my mind, I’ve thought that I should get what my friends genuinely feel like giving me. I always think that these should be nice things…nice actions, frequent check-ins, genuine concern, etc. But in reality, these friends of mine may are genuinely giving me what they felt like giving me… it’s just that I’m not so fond of what I’ve received. But that’s my issue… not theirs.

Face It, People Won’t Read Your Mind 100% Of The Time

No matter what your personality is like…if you’re shy, gregarious or blunt….most of us hold back from saying the most important thing we need to say… and that is how we are authentically feeling.

Being authentically brave with your feelings requires that you are:

  • In tune with your emotions, which is already difficult
  • Not scared to go within
  • Savvy enough to know what emotion it is
  • Mature enough to be able to see the role you played in feeling the way you do
  • Your ability to share what you’re feeling authentically and tactfully

Speak Up For Yourself

Ironically, when it comes to sharing our feelings. We are not direct… but we are certainly accusatory. We say things such as “I feel rejected, unappreciated, neglected, abandoned, unheard, unloved”… but when we do this… we are actually blaming the other person.

We are implicitly saying that if the other person appreciated us, heard us, loved us enough that we would feel better.

You Gotta Change Your Dialogue

According to psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, instead of using words that accuse others, there are several emotions that you should be very familiar with and use often to communicate your internal state.

They are:

Anxious

Bitter

Confused

Discouraged

Empty

Frustrated

Guilty

Helpless

Invisible

Jealous

Lonely

Mad

Nauseated

Obstinate

Pessimistic

Queasy

Resentful

Sorry

Tired

Uneasy

Withdrawn

As you can see, these emotions go far beyond the typical responses that we give when someone asks us how we feel which are usually: good, bad, happy, sad or the infamous (wait for it, wait for it) “fine.”

And don’t get me wrong,  fine is fine as long as everything IS fine, but things are either usually worse than fine, and they’re much better than fine (although we hardly ever take the time to truly notice and truly count our blessings). 

This does not mean that everybody needs to know the details of your life, but the people who really matter to you, do.

The most important thing is that this is just a list to help you get started in expressing your needs. It’s not all-encompassing, but it’ll provide you with a framework for stating how you truly feel.

Who Can Benefit From Your Improved Communication?

You, because you’ll know that you’re doing part of the work necessary to have great relationships (because listening and doing things for others is also part of the equation).

Your friends, your family, and your acquaintances because they’ll know what to do to provide you with what you need.

Your children because aside from knowing what you’re asking of them, the clear way that you’re communicating will also teach them how to communicate with you and with others to get their needs met.

Why Is Communicating Better Important?

It is important because:

  • It helps us realize that maybe the reason why we’re taking the lack of interest that we’re seeing from others personally is because we are communicating impersonally and so generally that they probably don’t know how to please us
  • As much as we would want to, people aren’t mind readers
  • Body language is a skill that not many people are good at and even if they notice that you’re ____ (blank), it doesn’t mean that they will have the tools to make things right, right away
  • The fact that someone has known you for years is not a guarantee and not on obligation on their part to mend your heart.

As you can see, even with this greater understanding of communication, actually communicating is hard. It requires investing in yourself to get your needs met and investing in others to get their needs met when they communicate with you.

It’s like a medical diagnosis. Unless you clearly articulate the symptoms of what’s going on in your mind, heart and spirit, the likelihood of it being fixed goes way down.

You are your best advocate.

Will You Be A Pest If You Start To Express Your Feelings?

No, as long as you don’t overdo it and expect the other person to fix what’s wrong all the time.

You need to remember:

  • That any relationship is a two-way street and that you should support them when they’re feeling bad.
  • That you should share your feelings with tact.
  • That you should avoid drama. It’s about expression not about theatrics.
  • That you try to convey your contribution for feeling as bad as you do. Not everything is being done to you. You play a role in your feelings and take actions that result in them being what they are.

A Gift To Help You Communicate Better

In order to help you remember that relationships will not get better on their own if we keep on thinking that our friends and loved ones are mind readers, I have created a Love and Treasure Sample Feeling Words PDF with these emotions so that you can have them handy and use them more often.

The PDF has two wallet-sized cards one of which you can keep in your wallet and you can share with others.

The odd contains two wallet-sized cards with emotions you can have handy.
You can print them in a regular sheet of paper. You can also print them on business-card paper. Or if you want to go green, or you’re more of a digital type of person, you can simply add them to a Note on your phone or to an Evernote note and have them on your mobile device. You can even add your own words and literally have on the top of your fingers any time.

 

Now It’s Your Turn

  • Which of these emotions are you most comfortable with sharing?
  • Which of these emotions are you most uncomfortable sharing?

Let me know in the comments below.

What Do You Mean Don't Take Anything Personally-! by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure blog www.loveandtreasure.com

What Do You Mean Don’t Take Anything Personally?!

Everybody in the world except my son and my grandma has disappointed me.
Yes, I have even disappointed myself. What‘s the most disappointing thing about myself?
Thinking that others won’t disappoint me and being extremely disappointed when they do.
I don’t know if it’s just me or if it’s actually in the air, but as I write this post I’m feeling emotional and thinking that it’s impossible that Don Miguel Ruiz, who wrote the internationally best-selling book that I DO like called The Four Agreements, encourages us to not take anything personally. Ever since I read his book, I would mentally ask “What do you mean don’t take anything personally ?!” But I brainwashed myself to think that the way the people in my life responded and that the events in my life were impersonal.
However, I’ve had personal things happen lately. So many of them, actually that they inspired me to write this post.
Have you ever had:
  • A friend who says they love you but they don’t call and write?
  • A friend who says you can drop by their house anytime but doesn’t take the time to write to you in months (even on your birthday which you both share)?
  • A friend who asks for your number to WhatsApp you, but it’s been a month and a half since you‘ve heard from them?
  • A colleague who treats you like a friend at times but then seems upset when you WhatsApp them even though they shared their WhatsApp number with you and said you could contact them if you had any questions. And when you did, they were so focused on being so “profesh” with you that you wonder if they even know you (when you know for a fact that they do and have even referred to you as a “godsent” friend before)? And get this, it’s not like they were offline when you WhatsApp-ed them. They were actually online, talking to someone who’s probably more important than you, at least in their eyes.
  • A supposed best friend who says they adore you and spent years looking to reconnect with you only to care less that you‘re going through a major life transition which you waited five months to be able to tell them about in person less than a month ago…. and they haven’t even mentioned it ever since?
Well, all of these “non-personal” things happened to me anywhere from a month and a half ago to today.

So don’t tell me things aren’t personal! What the heck! How can they NOT be personal?

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10 Ways To Treat New Moms Like A Queen by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure www.loveandtreasure.com

10 Ways To Treat New Moms Like A Queen

There is no better time to do something for a woman who has chosen to be a mother than when she gives birth and becomes a mother for the first time or an additional time.

When she becomes pregnant, she may be the princess. She may have cravings and desires here and there that she would appreciate someone satisfying.

After giving birth, however, she’s the queen This is especially the case for women who think that they have to do something in order to earn something. And giving birth is certainly something SUPER worthy of the queen title.

The only problem is, that often, a birthing queen‘s mother, husband or helper doesn’t step up to the plate of treating the worthy new momma in their life like a queen because they, like everybody else, are super infatuated with the baby that they “forget” that mom should also be the center of attention. They forget that even though it took about ten months to create the baby in the womb, it’ll take mom about 12 months to fully recover from the complexities of having been pregnant. Yep, 12 months! Add those two numbers up (10+12 months) and you’ll see that mom has been going through and will continue to go through transformation for 22 months… almost two years of her life!!! And for the most part, those are just the physical changes. So, the focus of this post is to help this new amazing mother with what you can control… her emotions.
And before you roll your eyes thinking that there’s nooooooo way you can help with her emotions (after all you know how hormonal she can get), think again, my friend. When you’re a mom, are raising a baby, have to take it easier, have limited outings and have limited access to hang out with people, the people who moms do hang out with all of a sudden become a “HUGE” deal. Mom either can get the emotional support she needs from the people “supporting” her or she won’t.
Worse yet, another reason a queen‘s mother, husband or caregiver don’t give all the support they can is because they claim they don’t know what to do for the new mom. Really? Like, REALLLLLY?!? You’ve known this woman for years, if not your entire life, and you don’t know how to help her?
Well that’s gotta change. And it’s gonna change right now because here’s a list of the top 10 roles a mother, a partner, a sister, a spouse or a friend has to adopt in order to serve the birthing queen like she deserves.

10 Roles You Have To Adopt to Treat New Moms Like a Queen

Be Her Janitor

Yep, you heard me right.

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Fascinating Ways In Which The Conscious and Unconscious Mind Affect Your Love Life by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure you can find at www.loveandtreasure.com

Fascinating Ways In Which The Conscious and Unconscious Mind Affect Your Love Life

Who do you think is to blame for the challenges you’ve faced in your love life?
The conscious You?
The unconscious You?
As you know from personal experience and from the science of love posts I’ve written, love is more complex than we ever thought it was.
Part of this complexity stems from the fact that even though we literally are not aware of the actions of the conscious mind, it’s active 24/7.

What Can We Compare The Subconscious Mind To?

Think about a television. There’s the screen which you CAN see. And there’s the behind the screen things you can’t see… But which highly influence what you do see. So it is with our conscious mind….those are the thoughts that we can access, but it’s the subconscious mind which is at work.

The Three Brain Parts That Play An Important Role in Love

In order to understand the brain, think of three circles nested in one another. This is neuroscientist Paul McLean’s concentric circle model.
The circle in the middle corresponds to the brain stem, which is located at the base of the skull. It is in charge of reproduction, self-preservation, blood circulation, breathing, sleeping and muscle contractions. Since all vertebrates ranging from reptiles to mammals can carry out these Funtime, this part of the brain is called the “reptilian brain.” The brain stem is responsible for physical action.
The second circle moving from the inside out, corresponds to the limbic system. It generates vivid emotions.
 Dr. Harville Hendrix considers the brain stem and the limbic system to be the “old brain.” The purpose of the old brain is to determine your automatic reactions based on its hardwiring.
The outer layer of the three circle model is the cerebral cortex. It is divided into four sections called lobes. This part of the brain is the most developed in human beings given that it’s where most cognitive functions emerge. It allows you to feel conscious, be alert and be in contact with your surroundings, make decisions , think, observe, plan, anticipate. Respond, organize information, create ideas. It’s the logical part of the brain that processes cause and effect. Dr. Harville Hendrix refers to this site as the “new brain.” When you think of who you are, it’s this analytical, probing and questioning part of your mind that you think of as being you.
So in a nutshell, you can see that the old brain is, in large part, the unconscious part of your brain (because most of the functions of your old brain happen without you having to be aware of them). And the new brain is the conscious part of your brain.

What’s The Purpose of The Old Brain?

The constant action and purpose of your old brain, meaning your unconscious, is to ask and ensure “is it safe?”

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Why Are Love Relationships More Important Now Than Ever Before? by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure Blog you can find at www.loveantreasure.com

Why Are Love Relationships More Important Now Than Ever Before?

What Do Love Relationships Represent For Us?

When we think about love, or our pursuit for love… very often, we think about the benefits that love will bring to us. We also think about the benefits that loving those who are near us will have… but that’s where our “love reach” usually stops.

Yet, there is soooo much more to love that we often don’t think about, talk about or much less, SEE that can help us understand way more about life than we ever realized.

And you know how it is… often, we can “see” things more clearly when they’re absent from our lives than when they’re present.

So let’s go there for a bit.

Think about your life.

And let me ask you something.

Why aren’t you the FULL person you know you’re meant to be?

(Listen to your own response).

Ask yourself the question: Why?

(Listen to your own response).

Ask yourself again: Why?

By now, (most of you) should have gotten to a pretty similar understanding as everybody else.

When you think about your first limitation, or excuse you ever came up with for why you aren’t the FULL person you’re meant to be or asked yourself the series of questions I just posed to you, most of you said that you haven’t been able to reach your absolute full potential because you were wounded as a child and you didn’t receive enough love.

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love and treasure valentine's day tag 2016 created by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure blog at www.loveandtreasure.com

Love and Treasure Valentine’s Day Tag 2016

Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, I would like to make the post for this week fun and light.

Specifically, I’d like to ask you to participate in the Love and Treasure Valentine’s Day Tag 2016.

You’re welcome to answer them just for your own purposes, with your partner, on your blog, on your YouTube video or on any other social media outlet that you enjoy.
Please be warned that if you answer them with your partner…. they may realize that what they’ve been giving you for Valentine’s Day, isn’t what you prefer. But then again, that can help your relationship when you express your needs with tact. And, be sure to reassure them that you love them anyway. 😉

Answer The Following Love and Treasure Valentine’s Day Love Tag 2016:

1. Are you a romantic person?


2. What do you prefer to receive on Valentine’s Day?
a) chocolate or other candies
b) dinner
c) jewelry
d) movie
e) flowers
f) clothing
g) card

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The Celebrating Your Success With the KonMari Method Tag Created by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure website blog you can find at www.loveandtreasure.com

The Celebrating Your Success With the KonMari Method Tag

Are you the sentimental type who still has the gelato spoon they gave you when you purchased a gelato in Italy? Or perhaps the personal notes your elementary school bestie gave you? Or maybe, you have boxes of brochures, receipts and mementos from your travels?
I do.
 
That’s the beauty and the curse of being a sentimental person. You pretty much see the value in e-ve-ry-thing.
 
And what does this lead to? 
 
Clutter, my friend. Lots and lots of clutter.
 
Sadly, clutter has become sooooo much a part of me that…there’s me and there’s my clutter. Two for the price of one.
 
And sadly, that’s the way my house was growing up. Filled with stuff.
That’s why today, I’ll be sharing a resource for those of you, who like me, have needed help with clutter and for those of you already familiar with the method, I’m inviting you to participate in the The Celebrating Your Success With the KonMari Method Tag.
You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk Treasurable by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure
 

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Leonie Dawson 2016 Create Your Shining Year in Biz Workbook review by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure blog you can find at www.loveandtreasure.com (here you'll find other Leonie Dawson workbook reviews)

Is Leonie Dawson’s 2016 Create Your Shining Year In Biz Workbook Right for you? – Product Review

 Disclosure: The following are affiliate links which means that by you buying through me, I get a small commission. Thank you for helping support my family and I.

Are you looking for a resource that will take your business or career to the next level?
If so, this resource that I’m about to share with you might be the thing you need.

In the last post I spoke about Leonie Dawson’s Create Your Shining Year in Life Workbooks. Today, I’ll be sharing Leonie Dawson’s Create Your Shining Year In Biz (Business) Workbooks.

If you want a bit of background on Leonie and the workbooks you can check out the last post or the end of this post.

Otherwise, let’s jump right in and see how the biz version differs from the life version.

 

What I LOVE About The 2016 Create Your Shining Year In Biz Workbooks

Leonie Dawson 2016 Create Your Shining Year in Biz Workbook review by Haydee Montemayor from Love and Treasure blog

 

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